the other day he asked me if i was excited for Christmas, and i said yes; but he knew from the tone in my voice and the look in my eyes, that i wasn't at all interested. two nights ago one of his friends asked where my tree is, and i replied that i didn't have one; he asked why, and i made up the excuse that the reason we don't one is because my mother has been over-sea for two weeks. but the truth is; i don't want one anyways, i never have. each year my mum's attempted to make Christmas something special, but i have never been interested. since i was kid, i have never liked Christmas. maybe it's because my mother's abusive ex boyfriend was born on Christmas day, and ever since i was five, Christmas has always reminded me of him. or maybe it's because when i was eight i watched my mother get beaten to a pulp with a crow bar by a middle age man on boxing day, and he wasn't just some middle aged man, he an ex-biker, he was a tank. maybe it's because one Christmas i spent at the beach entertaining myself while my mother slept, because she was too tired and hungover to look after me. maybe it's because i've only ever spent two Christmas's with my dad, or maybe it's because the day itself is never as pleasant as i imagine. but this year, he's invited me over to spend the afternoon and night with him and his family. his perfect family, and me, i am so fucking nervous. i know i'm going to have an amazing time, and love every minute, but i am so fucking nervous. this year; he's what i'm looking forward to, this day seams to mean a lot to him. unfortunately; i'm completely broke, so i have no money for Christmas shopping, which means no Christmas presents, and that means i have nothing to give him; which makes me want to cry.
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