i want to change.

it's been ten years, ten long, exhausting years. i knew long ago there was a problem with me, but it wasn't until years later that i learnt why i cried most days, why i constantly felt alone, why i thought that i never fit in; starting from primary school, and then through college. for the last five or six years of my life i have always found a justifiable reason to explain my depression. i used to think it was the problems in my life that caused me to feel the way i did, whether it was the years i spent living in fear of someone i called my father, the mental issues caused by my mums psychopath ex boyfriend who would beat us multiple nights a week. or it was the three years i spent with someone i loved unconditionally, who would lie to me, back stab me, cheat on me, and play with me as though i was a game. or it was the unstable relationship i have with my bipolar mother. and yes, all those played a rediculously huge part of my depression, but i thought that if i got rid of the problems causing me to crawl into a ball, and weep every night; the depression would go away. but i guess i was wrong. for years psychologists, and psychitrist have been telling i need medication. one lady said straight to my face that my depression was too much for me to deal with, and that i should have started taking pills years ago, that was a year ago now. i've always been afraid of anti-depressants; i've heard stories from people about them. some said they help, but others had nothing but bad things to say about them; that you become reliant on them, and that once your on them, you can't stop taking them. i've heard that they are addictive, and even that they make people worse. all of those things scared me, to the point i swore to myself that i would never take them. but, i guess i've hit rock bottom. i'm sick of being unhappy everyday, and not having any reason to. i can't keep going on like this, something has to change. so, i've started on the lowest dosage of the weakest anti-depressants. this is my last resort, i hope this helps.