confession; this was fucking horrible.

i had been looking forward to sleeping in, especially after getting quite fucked the night before; but the first time i opened my eyes this morning, i saw a police officer walk past my window. i knew this was coming, i think to myself "ohhh fuck" mum comes in the door "police here for you" there had been a warrant for my arrest for a month, but i didn't know. i explained to the police offiicers;  i lost the paperwork for my diversion, and when i called around to find out what i had to do for it but i was told they wouldn't find my files. in the same week or two period of stealing the hair dye; i broke up with my boyfriend of three years, moved house, and had a car accident. they empathised a little but told me they probably wouldn't give me diversion again. in my head 'fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck." when we got to the police station we arrived through the back, where the cells are, there was a bench and behind it was a cell with a large window, and behind a scary big black guy, pacing. i sat there for alf an hour, whilst waiting to get taken to the court house. in the window infront of me i could see the pig bending over me, staring at me, whilsting at me, creepy wilsting; the kind off horror movies. i didn't look at him once, except for when we we're in the paddy wagon; there are two big, silver, vault like cells in the back. i sat in one and him and some other male criminal sat in the other, they kept looking at me when we we're driving their, and i could his eye once; cold, lifeless, dead, they stung my eyes to look into. thankfully, the drive is short. once at the court, i went into a cell, all by myself, which i was stocked about, i sat there for two and a half hours. everything kept racing through my mind, how one stupid day i was being a selfish pest, and got caught. how now, that decision had got me here, locked up. as much as i wanted to, i did not cry, i sat there, and i was silent. i thought about everything, and read the walls around me; they were covered in tags. i read a lot of them, and most of it is just gang related bullshit. some of them even made me chuckle for a minute "snitches are bitches that need stiches" and this button drawn on the wall "magic bail button" but the one thing that really freaked me the fuck out was; "SAMARA WILL PAY" was also carved into the wall, that's when it hit me, i went into shock, i started shaking and slightly rocking. but i did not cry. my mind "HOLY FUCKING SHIT" then i let it drift off and get the better of me, filling my with thoughts of self-hatred and loneliness, then i snapped out of it. i wont feel sorry for myself, this is my fucking fault. in my head i was screaming, but on the outside i was silent, but once i got out i was blank, i was completely silent, my mother said i looked completely petrified, i felt as though i couldn't speak anymore, but i pushed some words out of my mouth, and found out how much i owe, now; on top of a criminal conviction? i owe around $1500. fingers crossed i can turn a lot of that into hours, but now for the rest of my fucking life, i have a fucking record. my head "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. what have i done. what the fuck have i fucking done." i'm still startled from the shock i was in, i cannot function properly, and i can't fucking sleep. all i can do is smoke ciggarettes, fuck it, i'm going to have one now.