i'm letting go of you.

along with this year, i am going to let go of you. you were my life, but that life has passed on and gone to heaven. it's time for me to let go of you and what we had; goodbye.

my little man.

i remember the first time i saw you; you were lying with tubes down your throat in an incubator because you were six weeks premature, and too small to be able to breathe on your own. i remember the first time i held you, i still feel special because i was the first person to hold you; except for your mum, our dad, and of course the doctors and nurses. i remember the first time i changed you nappy, i hated it; smelt horrible. i remember the first time i saw you holding a condom, i was ten and you were six; you came into the house holding a pink rippled condom, and we all laughed as you asked what it was; you mistakened it for a balloon and attempted to blow it up. i remember the first time i stuck up for you at school, a few boys from the year above you were picking on you for being held back a year, you were crying; and i told them to piss off, if i remember correctly i scared the shit out of them, and they never bothered you again. i remember so many things from our childhood, even though i haven't been there much whilst you were growing up. i remember the first time i ever got high around you, you were sitting in the back of my car with our older brother, and i was sitting in the passenger seat and my boy friend at the time was driving, we were parked up at the beach, and i was freaking out, the thought of your mum finding out i was smoking drugs around you scares the shit out of me, and we made sure you knew the consequences if you were to taddle tale on us. that was the same night we set an age limit to when we were going to allow you to smoke dope yourself, and you promised i would be the first person to take you out to a bar, or club and buy you a drink. tomorrow, your becoming a teenager. turning the big one three, thirteen; it seems like just yesterday we were climbing trees, and playing with brats dolls together. even though i know you will never read this; i want you to know that your big sister loves you more than you will ever be able to understand.

happy new year.

i think it's time to wash away all of my worries, all of my pain, all of my unfortunate memories that have happened in the last year. i think it's time i let go, and just smile for a change, without a care in the world; just be me, and smile. each year my new years resolution has always been to become a better person, but i think this year; my new years resolution will be; to be myself, be to true to myself, and who i am. the last two years in a row i've been ditched by the person i loved, ending up walking around crying whilst i watched the fireworks go off, and last year his best friend was looking after me, so to get back at him for taking off an hour before the countdown; i decided he'd be my new years kiss. but tonight will be completely different to those horrible nights; i will be with two beautiful girls, i will be drunk, i will happy, i will be smiling, i will not let anything get in the way of us having a good night; and i will finally get the new years kiss i've been dreaming of.

here we go again.

it wasn't my intention to push you away, i was crying out for help. but when i need you the most, where are you? you aren't here. i hurt myself, you freak out and want space? what is that, honestly. if i was wearing your shoes, i would be there for you, comforting you, trying to cheer you up. but no, you want space; so you go to the beach with her, and ignore me. and then wonder why i'm so on edge about your friendship.

it's now or never.

i want to be happy. i need you. i want to smile. i need you. i want to break away from the pattern. i need you. i want to be strong enough for myself. i need you. i want to make you proud again.
i need you, i need your help.

my light at the end of the tunnel.

"i miss you sam :( it's already been over a year since i saw you. i hope your well and happy. your amazing and i love you. xx" waking up to this text, made my day. you always pop up at the right time. if i could have one wish it would be to see you right now. rob; i love you too, so much. so much more than you know. 

i don't want to think like this anymore.

i know you don't understand what it's like to want to cause yourself pain, or what it's like to think about ending your life almost everyday; and a huge part of me is grateful you don't think like that. but, instead of judging me for the way my mind works; can you please help me. i've been crying out for help in my own sheltered way for a few months now, when i should have just come to you; unfortunately i didn't feel comfortable enough to admit my mind to you, and now i wish i had. instead of looking at me like i'm less of person for this; can you please help me fight it. instead of blaming yourself; can you please help me. i need you. even though i don't say it; i need you.

i slipped up.

i don't know what came over me, or what i was thinking exactly; but i know you were on my mind. i feel terrible that my self control wasn't enough to stop myself, and that i felt like i had to hide this from you. bottling my feelings has become like second nature to me, but i didn't think that i would do this; i tried my hardest to fight the urges, but this time, in my drunken state; i wasn't strong enough. and now; through hurting myself, i've hurt you too. i'm sorry that you had to see this side of me, the look in your eyes is now burned into the back of my brain. i can't let this happen again, for me, for you, for us. this part of me; needs to stay in the past.

you smell like whore.

my mother got given perfume as a Christmas present, without thinking and looking at the bottle; i let her spray some on me. instantly after i smelt it i could feel my breakfast coming back up my throat; it's your perfume, the perfume you always brought for yourself, and sometimes let me where it as-well. the smell made all of our memories come back, the good memories; the memories i don't want to remember, because i want to forget i ever met you. and now; until that bottle is empty i'm going to despise the smell of my mum.

wanna know a secret?

this is what i want to do right now, the urge is growing bigger and stronger everyday. i asked you if there was one thing you would change about my body; and you said it would be my scars. you've always said you think they're disgusting, and the way you look at them kills me inside. the worst past about it is that, the way you talk about them, look at them, and judge me for them; makes me want to do it even more. but the thought of you, and what you would say, stops me. not only because you are the reason i wont hurt myself, but because i'm scared what you will think of me if you saw fresh wounds. if you think my year old scars are disgusting, what would you say if you saw my legs the way i want them right now.

you sounded just like him.

the other night we were sitting in my room talking; you mentioned it was weird that i don't have many girl mates, and i said i thought it was weird too, but it's mainly because i have trouble trusting girls. you told me how you use to have only girl mates, but now that you've moved here you only have one, you said the exact same thing he said to me about a year ago, and it scared the shit out of me; "out of all the girls, i only have one chick mate, jorgi" my face dropped as the words escaped your lips. "well i think you should get some more girl mates" you thought i was just joking around, so you laughed as i walked out of the room. but i wasn't, not at all. out of all the girls in this town, why her? i walked out of the room because i couldn't look at you, it made me cringe inside to hear you say that, it made my stomach flip upside down and tears started to form in my eyes. one of your mates asked me if i was okay, i said yes, but i wasn't; not at all. i sat in the toilet for a few minutes and let the tears drip off my face onto the floor, as i listened to you and your mates laughing, and joking around. i tried to force a smile back onto my face, but i couldn't get those words out of my mind "out all of the girls, i only have one chick mate, jorgi." it kept going over and over in my mind. out of all the girls in this fucking town, why her?!?!?!

all i want for christmas is you.

i want to be able to kiss you, cuddle you, and call you mine again. i'll be spending christmas day with you this year; which is a good change from the last few years, and i'm hoping, wishing that by the twenty-fifth i'll be able to call you mine again. i miss being yours.

i miss the sound of your voice.

a year ago, you would have been here with me, making me smile with every little thing you do. i hope you come back soon, it's been so long since i've seen your face; 

i need you. i miss you.

i love you; more than you’ll ever know. 

your coming home tonight.

i guess i got use to having you around, because the last few weeks you've been away; i've missed you more than i thought i would. it's going to be good to have you home again, i want to have that girls night we've been talking about for months. looking forward to seeing you mum, only a few hours to go.

six sleeps to go.

the other day he asked me if i was excited for Christmas, and i said yes; but he knew from the tone in my voice and the look in my eyes, that i wasn't at all interested. two nights ago one of his friends asked where my tree is, and i replied that i didn't have one; he asked why, and i made up the excuse that the reason we don't one is because my mother has been over-sea for two weeks. but the truth is; i don't want one anyways, i never have. each year my mum's attempted to make Christmas something special, but i have never been interested. since i was kid, i have never liked Christmas. maybe it's because my mother's abusive ex boyfriend was born on Christmas day, and ever since i was five, Christmas has always reminded me of him. or maybe it's because when i was eight i watched my mother get beaten to a pulp with a crow bar by a middle age man on boxing day, and he wasn't just some middle aged man, he an ex-biker, he was a tank. maybe it's because one Christmas i spent at the beach entertaining myself while my mother slept, because she was too tired and hungover to look after me. maybe it's because i've only ever spent two Christmas's with my dad, or maybe it's because the day itself is never as pleasant as i imagine. but this year, he's invited me over to spend the afternoon and night with him and his family. his perfect family, and me, i am so fucking nervous. i know i'm going to have an amazing time, and love every minute, but i am so fucking nervous. this year; he's what i'm looking forward to, this day seams to mean a lot to him. unfortunately; i'm completely broke, so i have no money for Christmas shopping, which means no Christmas presents, and that means i have nothing to give him; which makes me want to cry.

we wouldn't be sisters if we didn't fight.

i feel completely terrible, because i don't know how to mend your heart, or heal your wounds. i don't know how to stop the pain, or the emptiness you feel inside. ever since the day i met you, all i have ever wanted was to help and make you smile. i don't know how to stop the people that walk in and out of your life, promising to make you smile, but leaving you even more broken than before. i don't know how to stop you hurting yourself, whether it's with razor blades, drugs or alcohol. i don't know how to get through to you how fucking terrified i am about you, because you don't listen. i don't know how to tell you that your making it worse when you think your making it better. i don't know how to tell you that when you hurt, i hurt. i don't know how to tell you that sometimes, you can be really fucking horrible and i can't stand it. i don't know how to tell you that i despise some of the things you say and do. i don't know how to tell you that when you guilt trip me, it makes me sick, because i know better than anyone how traumatic your life can be, and to try and use it against me? to make me feel bad? isn't right, at all. i don't know how to tell you that you can be the biggest fucking hypocrite sometimes. there are so many things i don't know how to do, or say to you. because i am afraid of what you will say, or what you might do; i'm afraid of loosing you. but there is one sentence that will never be any easier for me to say to you. i love you. despite our arguments, and our floors. i love you, unconditionally.

he deserves better than you.

i can't even describe the way i feel about you, my mind has gone blank. i am a fool for believing you were my friend, and sympathising for you. i've always known what kind of girl you are, the kind that runs around in front of boys in barely any clothing just to get their attention, you're the kind of girl to flirt with my man in front of me, pretend like you're my best friend, and then stab me in the back with my own knife, you're the kind of girl to seduce boys, because you think that will make them love you, you're the kind of girl who will fuck someone over, and make it out like your innocent. you're the kind of girl who looks perfect to the world; pretty, honest, trustworthy Christian girl, but i know you better than the world does. once a whore, nothing more, i'm sorry that'll never change. if only he could see you for who you truely are, because you never have, and never will deserve that amazing young man you have your hands on.

the game is getting old.

i don't know what to think; you change depending on who your with, and i cannot stand it. i know i'm guilty of this myself, but my feelings for you don't change, no matter who i'm with or what i'm doing, but as for you; well things can be a hell of a lot different when your with them. i'm running out of things to write, things to say, things to do. you have a choice, there are two options. one, walk away, and stop messing me around. and two, be with me, make some effort, and show me you still care. i'm getting tired of this backwards and forwards thing we have going on.

you're ruining my family.

yet again i've been hiding my true feelings behind my smile, pretending like what you've done to my family doesn't phase me, but if i'm being honest with myself; i wanted to shove your hugs, your smiles, your casual conversation, your star bucks, and your manipulative 'caring nature' right up your ass. i didn't say any of the words racing through my mind, to save drama, because all i wanted was to spend some quality time with my brother. i don't see him for months at a time, and all i wanted was to see him; so i zipped my mouth shut. i didn't realise how bad things had got down here, i was oblivious to the extent of coruption. but after this weekend, i wont be coming back for a while. if you could see yourself through my eyes, you wouldn't like what there is to be seen. i'm sure you have no idea what your doing to my family, you think your doing the right thing by my brother, but in reality; your ripping him, and his family apart.

spirits are real.

almost seven in the morning, about to hop into bed. i thought i would we spending another night alone, but after a simple conversation on face book, a few good friends came over. coincidentally one of the boys left his wallet here, so only a few came back. earlier we were talking about spirit's, i told everyone that i had a psychic circle; the boys were interested, so now that we were alone, thought we'd try it out. after reading the instructions, lighting a few candles and making ourselves comfortable, we sat down ready to talk to the dead. we placed our fingers onto the small glass dish and asked questions. at first a few of us were skeptical about the board, and the powers that come from the spirit realm. but it proved their beliefs wrong, suddenly the glass dish started moving around the board on it's own, at first we were all a bit freaked out, and tears came pouring out of all our eyes when the dish moved around to where ever it wanted to go. every time it started moving, i would get a rush of shivers down my spin, a warm sensation in my heart, and often goosebumps all over my body. we worked out what kind of question to ask, and to not ask. one friends dead father, and cousin came through and spoke to us, saying hello and trying to him a message. we asked his cousin whether or not she was in heaven, and she replied yes. she could easily answers questions, such as what is the middle maiden name of their grandmother.  i asked if my friend that passed away a few years ago was there, and a strong pull moved the dish to the spot reading 'yes' as we kept going, i started to cry but she couldn't tell me whether she was okay or not. the connection became stronger, and we began to feel when the spirit was communicating with us or not. this went on for about four hours, we all asked about our future, and where we were going in our lives, the answers began to be vague; so we would moved the dish back into the middle of the board, and vent to each other how we were feeling, and what questions we wanted to ask next. we discovers different ways we thought helped our communication; how we would word the questions, and repeating them in a pattern, and sometimes all together. it was obvious that me and a friend had the most powerful connections to the board, and it worked better when our fingers were on the dish. at one point when everyone else took their fingers off, it started to move on it's own, when only my fingers were placed lightly on the glass dish; that's when i freaked out a little bit. i asked if it was positive that i left brett, it strongly moved it's way over the 'yes' sign, so i asked my next question; will brett and i ever get back together, the spirit replied 'no' although it couldn't give me an answer as to why. but i'm sure i already know the answer to that, he'll never change. one of the boys asked who was the most 'psychic' in the circle, and they moved to the letter S, which didn't surprise any of us, and it was reassured when we asked if they meant me, and the dish moved towards the yes. one time, it specifically asked for one of the boys, who didn't even have his fingers on the dish at the time. it came to four am, and one of the boys mentioned that 'whitching hour' was over, i wasn't sure what that meant. but afterwards we asked how many spirits were with us. we were usually getting about six, seven or even eight. but this time, it was one. we then asked if it was a good spirit, the dish moved to the 'no' symbol, we then asked the question we asked frequently during the night "are you going to harm us?" and it moved to the 'yes' symbol. that's when we closed the circle, and ended the game. we were all a little scared after the last spirit, we stayed up talking about all the different so called messages that came through, we were all very confused on some of them, but others were completely clear.  i've always believed in ghosts, spirits, demons, angels, whatever name you have for them, in what ever shape or form; i've always known they are real. but after tonight; there is no doubt in my mind the power that they have.

make up your mind.

it's easy to blame it all on me, but you cannot say that you haven't played any part in our relationship falling apart. but you were one of the main characters. i know, i messed up a lot, and i could have done a lot better. but i wasn't the only one to slip up along the way, you've done some damage too. you need to realise that, you aren't the only one who has been let down, and some of the things you've done, it deserves some kind of making up for, not just me. i think you need to think about what you want, and decide if it's me or not.  i want to fix this, i want it to work. but it's hard to hang on by myself love, are you going to let me fall?

yes, i am addicted.

i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke so badly, i wrote this out.

i'm begining to not care.

i admit it may have been a bit rude to get high just before you came around, but what reason have you given me to not to accept? they turned up with two dins about ten minutes before you came over. why shouldn't i have a sesh, your not trying at all for me; and that's not okay with me. i'm not upset that you left, you weren't talking to me anyways. you said you were coming over to bake cookies, and then couldn't give me a reason why we couldn't when you were here. i do miss you, alot. but i couldn't hold on by myself.

is my heart too broken.

am i not pretty enough? is my heart too broken? do i cry too much? am i too outspoken? don’t i make you laugh? should i try it harder? why do you see right through me? i live, i breathe, i let it rain on me, i sleep, i wake, i try hard not to break, i crave, i love, i’ve waited long enough, i try as hard as i can.

am i not pretty enough? is my heart too broken? do i cry too much? am i too outspoken? don’t i make you laugh? should i try it harder? why do you see right through me? i laugh, i feel, i make believe it’s real, i fall, i freeze, i pray down on my knees, i hope, i stand, i take it like a man, i try as hard as i can.

why do you see, why do you see, why do you see right through me?

thanks for coming to see me.

i've been praying for a sign, a sign that you still care, a sign that there is still hope for us. and today; you gave me that little piece of hope i've been asking for. and i'm going to hold onto it, along with the countless kisses. i can't wait to see you tomorrow.

six truths.

 (this picture has nothing to do with the text written below, i just despise justin)

1. you cannot stick your tongue out and look at the ceiling at the same time.
2. you may try this after reading.
3. realising it’s a lie.
4. you’re now wearing a silly smile.
5. you’ll like this.
6. hoping that your friends will try this too.

i need to stop thinking.

it's 1.35am and i know i should be sleeping, because i've got to get up early. but i can't sleep, i can't stop thinking. i keep wondering; maybe if i was a better person, then maybe i'd be good enough for him, maybe if i tried harder to the quit the drug, then maybe i'd be good enough for him, because i've obviously not made enough sacrifices or changed enough about myself for him. but then i think? why the fuck should i? why the fuck should i change so much for someone who hasn't shown any sign of caring about me, for days. why the fuck should i change even more for someone who wouldn't do one think i asked? and then i think; maybe he's worth it. isn't that why i changed in the first place? because i thought he was worth it. but now a few months down the track; are you still worth it? please, just show me you still care.

my thoughts echo your name

sometimes i think i should just give up, sometimes i think that i should stop wasting my time trying to fix this on my own. but then i remember all those nights we shared together; whether it was staying in, just us two, or out with our friends. i remember all of those times we spent playing around, smiling, and laughing. i thought those days would last forever. i remember the night you took me out to dinner, and how lucky i felt to have you. i remember those kisses that sent my mind into outer space, and the moments that we looked into each others eyes, and i knew that we were meant to be together, i knew that you cared about me, and i knew that you were going to change my life. but as i think back now, it hurts, because i'm scared i'm never going to feel like that again.

five years, going on six.

a year ago i was counting down the days until i saw you, until the day i would run into your arms at the airport and take you home with me. i still to this day, cannot believe you kept your promise to me; you flew to from the place i grew up in, to the little city i now call home. we spent two weeks together, and they were the some of the best days of my life. we did so much in those two weeks, i remember it so clearly. jumping off waterfalls, drinking way too much beer, exploring a city together and finding bubble tea; the drink we use to always get together, when i was still living in perth. playing drinking games with my mum, you were the first boy to walk up the mount with me, eating cobenhagen cones. but, i'm ashamed that your first night here i got drunk and threw up and within the first week we had been in a car crash, but you didn't care, you just smiled and laughed. i can still remember how i felt when i saw you for the first time in two years, i couldn't stop smiling, it was that very moment that i had been holding onto all year. it was you that helped me get through everything last year, and you didn't even know it. you are the only boy who has never broken a promise, lied to me,  hurt me, or let me down. you are the only boy who has always been there for me, even though you thousands of kilometers away, in a different country; you have always been there for me. i need to talk to you right now, i miss you more than ever. i love you robert thomas cudahy.

you have no idea how much you mean to me.

"i can't stop thinking of you now. are you the same." do you actually think i stop thinking about you? because i don't. i thought i'd told you enough that you are on my mind, constantly. you are still my first thought when i wake up in the morning, before i go to sleep at night and you drown my mind every hour in between. tonight, i sat alone listening to a song on repeat, i couldn't stop the tears dripping off my face, all i could think about was you. i miss you so much it hurts,  but you have no idea. i miss; your smile. your hair. your eyes. your arms. your lips. your hands. you skin. your voice. the way we would sleep together. the way you like to touch my feet. the way your obsessive compulsive about having clean teeth. the way you make me smile. the way you held me the night that i felt like this world couldn't do anymore damage. the way you can be so completely oblivious when i try to be completely obvious. i miss everything about you. but what i miss the most is, you missing me back.

i haven't given up yet.

what would you say if i told you that all i've thought about is you, since you been gone. i wish some way, some how i could turn this world right back around and mend mistakes i made. so i could say to you that i know things aren't quite like what they used to be. different faces, different places yeah. we could try, oh yeah we could try. what would you say if i told you that i'm not givin' up however long it takes, it's clear that things have changed since when we started. but we can't just walk away, babe. so i am telling you that i know, things aren't quite like what they used to be. different places, different faces yeah. we could try, oh yeah we could try.

i broke it, again.

last time i punched a wall so hard i broke my knuckle, it was because of my ex, and i don't even remember why i did it, but it was probably because of something he'd done, and it resulted in him breaking my heart, and me breaking my knuckle. i had a cast on for about a month. but this time; it was during a heating argument between me and my mother, i can't remember what she was complaining about, but i know that it set me off, it pushed me to the point i lost control and my anger got the better of me. as my fist hit the wall i heard a crack, i knew what i had done, but i didn't care. at that point, it still didn't hurt. it wasn't until minutes later when i looked down at the blood dripping off my knuckles, that's when the rush of pain serged through my fingers and i noticed just how bad it was. in my cry out for help, i told you. you didn't show a sign of caring at all. i thought that maybe once you had seen my hand, your attitude may change. but i was wrong; all you've said is "you're an idiot!" i knew that you wouldn't be impress about what i'd done, but i thought that maybe you might care just a little bit that i got so angry, and so upset that i got to the point that i had to punch a wall, to stop myself from punching my mum. but you don't, you simply don't care.

pain, pain, go away.

i tell myself, and the rest of the world that i hate you, but the truth is i can't hate you, as much as i want to; it's psychically, psychologically and emotionally impossible for me to hate you. but i do hate myself. i hate myself for still thinking about you, for still caring about you, for still missing you, and for still loving you. i hate myself for pretending that it doesn't hurt, when it does; all the time. and recently it's been fucking unbearable.

please, stop pushing.

i'm trying so hard to hold onto you. i'm trying so hard to keep it together and control how i feel inside. i'm trying so hard to look past what we've done, and stay hopeful for the future. i'm trying so hard to treat you like nothing has changed. i'm trying so hard to ignore how fast your pushing me away. i'm trying so hard to keep it together, and appear as though this isn't killing me. when the truth is; i'm falling apart.

i'm just glad your still in one piece.

i am so relieved your getting better, you had me very worried for a while. as soon as you said something went wrong i almost threw up, all of the worst case scenarios were racing through my head; and i started to panic. i was coming up with plans in my mind as to how i was going to get to you, or how i was going to talk people into driving me to you. i've never trusted doctors, and this is the reason why; they think they're god, and when they slip up, the patient is the one suffering for their mistakes and incorrect analysis. which in this case; is you. i was told removing a hernia is a simple operation, turns out it wasn't a hernia at all, and you have a dislocated sternum. so they opened up your chest and removed my favorite mole on your body; just to tell you there isn't anything you can do? what the fuck, that really boils my kettle. i don't even want to think about the pain your in, i'm sure it's excruciating but your a big, tough boy and i know you'll be back on your feet in no time darling.

i don't know you anymore.

it hurts me to know who you've become, but it hurts more remembering who you use to be.

tell me that your going to save me.

mayday, mayday. someone save me. i am fragile, ohhh somebody rescue me, somebody tell me you will. concrete heartache, left me awake. sleepless sleeper ohh, somebody wake me up, somebody tell me you will. and tell me that your going to save me, that everything is gonna be okay. i'm screaming but nobody can hear me. can you save me from myself.. and no no no no how can this be. i've tried and tried and tried but i'm so lost out at sea. when did i become the things i used to hate, i'm stranded to this ship. left to fall with the crash of the waves. tell me that your going to save me, that everything is gonna be okay. i'm screaming but nobody can hear me.. can you save me from myself?

i need you, but you aren't here.

i just wish you would look up, and see how hurt i am. i wish you would notice how much pain i'm going through. i wish you would ask if i was okay, and care that i'm not. i wish you would show me a little sign of hope. i wish you would come to my house, hold me and kiss me. i wish you would tell me every thing's going to be okay. but you haven't, and i'm scared your not going to. i need you. right now, i need you so fucking much. but you wont come, your out having fun and enjoying yourself, whilst i'm here lonely, shaking, with tears dripping off my face. i need you.

do you remember how close we use to be?

i remember when we lived on the same street, two minutes walk away from each other. on school nights, we would sneak out and meet at the park in between our two houses, back in those days, we weren't allowed to smoke at home; so this was our way of seeing each other and being 'rebellious' together. we were inseparable. if i had a fight with my mum, or my boyfriend. you would run down to my house, hold me and not let go until the tears stopped. the times i couldn't force myself to walk, you'd carry me back to you house and look after me. i used to call you my best friend. but now, i don't know you anymore, i haven't seen you in months, and i wish you knew that i miss you everyday.

it's great to have you back.

i missed you, a lot. we went through a stage when we didn't talk as much, we didn't hang out, and i never told you how much it hurt. i ignored how i felt, and didn't take your actions personally. but the other day; you came and picked me up, just you and me. and we talked, and laughed and talked, for hours. i told you that i had missed you, and you admitted you had missed me too. i told you that i can't stand it when we don't talk; i told you that it wasn't me, it was you, you were being a dick to me and you agreed. which made me happy. but you apologised, which is what meant the most to me. recently i've been seeing you a lot more often, we've been talking everyday again. i know we aren't as close as we use to be, but i'm just glad to have you back in my life, i missed you, a lot.

fell apart right in front of my eyes.

a month, or so ago; i was unbelievably happy, i was ranting and raving about how great life was going for me, and how long i'd waited to feel like this, again. i was thanking everyone in my life for being there for me, and being so fucking amazing. i felt on top of the world, like i was invincible, like i was finally free from all the pain, the suffering, the tears, the uncontrollable fear and most of all; free from my thoughts. but now, it feels like that was a life time ago, it feels like it's all catching up with me, it feels like i'm stuck in quick sand; it makes no difference how hard i struggle to get out of it, i just keep sinking. i tried so hard to change my life, but have i really made much difference at all? i still feel broken, i still feel pain, everyday. and i can't fucking deal with it. some please, help me?

i never clicked.

i've now been diagnosed with PTSD; post traumatic stress disorder, in result of my childhood and everything i went through, the psychological and physical violence i witnessed and also received. when a person or a child undergo traumatic experiences, they develop 'coping mechanisms' depending on who the person is, it can be different things. for me; i bottle my emotions, i pretend that nothing is wrong, on the outside it looks like i'm a happy young girl, but on the inside is a completely different story. this started at a very young age, and it is a habit i haven't been able to let go of, and sometimes i'm afraid i never will. in result of my continuous bottling for the last ten years, i have not only developed severe depression, but also PTSD. at first i wasn't convinced, but i've been researching it on the internet, and i'm starting to accept that i could have this mental illness aswell. some symptoms include; frequently having upsetting thoughts or memories of the traumatic event's, or commonly known as - flash backs. i am guilty of this. having nightmares. this happens most nights i sleep alone. being physically responsive, such as experiencing a surge in your heart rate or sweating, to reminders of the traumatic event. i'd be lying if i said this didn't happen when i'm reminded of those few years of my childhood. making an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the traumatic event. i can barely ever bring myself to talk or go into detail about what happened to me, and what i saw. having difficulty remembering important parts of the traumatic event. another coping mechanism i used, was blocking out memories, this causes me not to remember big spaces of time, and from what i do remember; i'd rather forget. a loss of interest in important, once positive, activities. ever since i was a child i've taken little interest in life, and the normalities of growing up. i have a huge problem with self motivation. feeling distant from others. i've always felt like an outsider, like i don't fit in. but even sometimes i find myself thinking, and often believing that no one cares, nor understands. experiencing difficulties having positive feelings, such as happiness or love. for years i've found it hard to stay positive about life, and where it may take me. i struggle to stay happy for long periods of time, but i've always loved with my whole heart, and found it unbearable to stop loving. having a difficult time falling or staying asleep. i lye awake most nights thinking, trying to make myself fall asleep, although it's much easier when i'm sleeping with someone i care about. but once i am asleep? i never want to wake up, i'd stay in bed all day if i could, if it meant not facing the world. feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger. i constantly feel tense, and that at any moment i could explode and kill everything around me, but aswell as everything else, i bottle that too. having difficulty concentrating. ever since i can remember i've had a problem with concentrating. i just thought i had a short attention span. feeling constantly "on guard" or like danger is lurking around every corner. all day, everyday. being "jumpy" or easily startled. anyone who properly knows me, will know this is true. because of this; i find it extremely difficult to deal with stressful, and emotional problems in life, i've always known that i had a huge problem dealing with stress, but i never knew it could be as bad as this. so it turns out, i am more fucked up than i thought.

can we just go back to how it was.

i fucking hate this. i don't want it to be like this, i don't want to fight with you, i don't want to miss you, i don't want to let go of you. i want you. i want to make it work, i want to try, i want to get through this and everything else the world has to throw at us. i want you. please tell me you still want me too. missing you hurts so bad.

pest.

what the fuck are you doing. i use to refer to you as my brother, i would call you and ask you for advice, i would tell you how i felt and why, i would also try and help you out with your problems, we even had our own handshake, but now? i can't stand you. you just keep making the wrong decisions, everyone is starting to realise it and turn on you. after everything you've done, i tried my hardest to look past it and get along with you, for him. i'd ignore your rude, childish comments, and reply with a simple "shut the fuck up" but now? i don't want to see you, talk to you, or be associated with you at all. even hearing your name being brought up in conversation annoys me. i've got to know you quite well and all i can say is; you are selfish, you are ignorant, you are careless, you are a back stabber and a all-round prick. now, your best mates mother is asking why you two are still so close, and even he is getting sick of your shit. although you make think so; life isn't just about fun and games, you need to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for yourself, and your actions. i know you don't care, but someday you will, and when that day comes; no one else will. i've always been against you receiving a smack in the face or two, but now? they can go hard for all i care, maybe it'll be the wake up call you need, maybe then you'll realise what your doing to your life and the people who give a fuck about you.

i don't like this.

i'm worried, i've always looked down on the couples that spend all day in bed; although it is extremely fun and satisfying. i don't want to be one of those couples. i've been in one of those relationships before, and it's one of the many reasons i ended it. you cannot base a relationship just on sexual pleasure, at the time it's great; but afterwards when it comes to either of us leaving how do you feel? because i know how i feel, and at the moment, it doesn't feel that great. recently; it seems like that's pretty much all we've been doing, and i don't like it. don't get me wrong, it's incredible but i don't think it's too much to ask that we go out and do something every once and a while. i miss physically going out with you, and doing things together.

mrs bitch.

you yell at me, telling me i need to take responsibility for the cat's; you were the one home when one of the kitten went missing, you were here not me; i went out for the night and came home to one of them being gone. but you still yell and swear at me. you are totally obnoxious and self deluded, you have no comprehension of what your words and actions do to me, and i know you don't care. you are meant to be the one person on this earth that will be there for me no matter what, care for me and how i feel, look after me and protect me. instead you often wreck my self esteem, and hope for finding something good in this world. you push me to the point i'm so angry i start to cry, you push me to the point i want to give up. you threaten me often, and repetitively make me feel worthless, and like i'm a complete fuck up. i actually thought our relationship was getting better, i thought we've been getting along well recently, i thought you were getting healthier, i thought that whatever kind of therapy your doing was positively affecting your mental stability. but you've proved that wrong. i've been saying to myself for years that i can't handle you, or the way you flip out at me; but i've persevered, i push passed it and i put myself back together. and it looks like i'll have to keep doing so, it kills me the way you treat me.

i don't have to put up with this.

i knew he didn't write it, but now i've been informed that you two actually sat in her room together writing it. he told me she didn't tell him to end it with me, but it really makes me think; what the fuck did she say to him. it sounded like he wrote it directly from her mouth. it's depressing to think that she says she is my friend, but she goes directly against my wishes and boundaries. yes her and her family are going completely out of their way to help me, relieving  me of a fuck load of stress and i couldn't be more grateful for everything they're doing, but it doesn't mean what she's been doing is okay, nor will i put up with it. i'd feel guilty to say something to her, but if it keeps going the way it is; i wont have much nice to say to her anymore.

happy birthday.

i put hours of thought into what i was going to get you for your birthday, i wanted you to love it. i thought about it for months, i asked your closest friends what they thought. and they assured me that you would love it. i had finally figured out the little details, and i was so excited about your birthday. then you flipped my entire world upside down. and now as much as i still want to get for you what i had planned; i can't. i can't bring myself to. as much as i want to; i know you don't deserve it. and if i did still get it all for you; you wouldn't learn. it makes me sad because i knew you would have loved a zippo, you would have loved a white shirt tie dyed by hand, with your name printed on the back, making it even more original. you would have loved lunch at Turkish to go. even though you've never tried it, i know you would have loved it. in 2 minutes it's your birthday, you will finally turn 17. i wish i could still go though with my plan, but now it's simple; i can't.

i will never show it.

you ruined me, but i still fucking care. you treated me like a dog, but i still fucking care. you are with someone in spite of me and my relationship. you come in and mess up my life even more, as though you didn't do enough damage. you twist the story and manipulate peoples minds. you drink, smoke, snort as much as you can. you use people, and make them think you care about them. but you don't, and you never will. you only care about yourself, and you don't give a flying fuck how your actions and words affect other people. you bitch and complain about your life even though everything is handed to you on a silver platter. you make me fucking sick to my stomach, and i want you to be put through pain. but i still fucking care. what the fuck is wrong with me? i want to hate you.

i hope you learn from this.

since when do you listen to everyone else, since when did you care so much about what other people think? they told you not to come back to me, but what did you do? you listened to your heart and you came back. but this time; they told you to leave me, and what did you do? you fucking listened. at the end of the day who has to live with the decisions you've made? you do. who has to feel the regret? you do. who has to wake up the next morning feeling something is missing? you do. who has to live with the mistake you've made? you do. but who has to pay the price? i do.

the day before our anniversary.

it's taken me days to work up the courage to attempt to put my feelings into words. i know i saw this coming, but i didn't expect it to ever hurt as much as it does. i've received love letters, but never a 'break up letter'. you left me shaking, with tears dripping of my face, unable to breathe or speak, and with a broken heart. as you were reading me out this letter you apparently wrote yourself, i started having a panic attack; you just looked at me, and kept reading. you told me; you couldn't handle me, or our relationship anymore. you told me; i haven't changed or sacrificed enough for you. you told me; when i'm away from you, you feel like you don't exist. even though i constantly text you, talk about you, think about you, write about you and sometimes i write things to you. what more did you want? for me to live in your fucking pocket or something? you told me; relationships are about communicating, and considering each other's feelings; but you did neither. i tried talking to you, i had to force words out of your mouth on many occasions. i told you how i felt, i was completely open about how i felt about you. i was completely open and explained why i was uncomfortable about you and her being as close as you are, but you didn't care. you were too worried about yourself to think about me, even though you are in the back of mind all the time. before i make my plans for the day, i think about you. but did you ever think about me when you were with her, bitching about me behind my back? did you ever think about how it affects me? no. you listened to everyone, apart from me. i'm meant to mean the world to you, but you broke me. you knew how fragile i was from the past few days, and you just had to make it worse. as you read me the words you had written, i knew it wasn't you. it didn't even fucking sound like you, to be honest; it sounded like a girl. i couldn't get my head around it, two days ago you were telling me you would do anything for me, you gave me hope for the future, and i thought we were going to be okay, i thought i could depend on you. then you come to my house and rip me apart. after you had finished, you just looked at me; you watched me cry, you watched me clench my fits against my chest, you watched me struggle to get air into my lungs, you watched me hold myself as i shook. and as soon as it started to hurt you, you left. what you did to me, what you said to me, how you left me; is fucking disgusting. i hope you know that, and i hope you know how much pain you've caused me. but i know you never will.