just breathe.

it's too hard to think about, let alone talk about it, or write about it.

i need help.

i'm just tired of wishing i was dead.

i'm blocked.

i can't write. i can't let it out. none of it, it's driving me wild. 

and i don't know what to do.

Will it ever end?

please come home.

you help more than i realise. 

i miss you. i need you. 

more than ever, i need you here.

with me, at home, where you should be.

it won’t change anything

i'm tired of pretending,

i need to tell you how I really feel.

but what difference will it make? 

even if i tell you, it won’t change anything. 

I’ll be here and you’ll be there. 

i love you. 

why won't i listen?

what the fuck am i doing.

i'm becoming something i swore i would never be. i'm beginning to walk down a road, a road towards destruction, fear, pain, anger, regret, loss, corruption, and torment, a rollercoaster of high's and low's. this road will take me away, from myself, and what i want. this road is leading me in the opposite direction to where i want to go, who i want to be. maybe i can change this, this horrible mess i've created, but then again; maybe i can't. maybe if i change, it would change this, but then again maybe it wouldn't. never the less, i need to change; i hate what i've done, i hate where i'm headed. i never thought i was capable of sickness myself so much. i'm afraid of the future, and where my life will take me. i pray that i will find the courage, and strength inside of me to turn around, and change this.

i'll never let go.

I’ll never let you go. 

isn't it simple?

how can you ever expect to love someone else,
if you can't love yourself?

beautiful disaster.

a week or two ago this picture looked completely different, it was painted with bright colours, and breathtaking moments. but now all of that light has been clouded over by darkness, the pleasant thoughts are fading and guilt is splattered across the canvas. i've accepted that i wont see your face as often anymore, and that your path has changed direction again. i've accepted that you are confused, you are angry, and that you don't know what you want. i've accepted the fact that you are going to let me down, and upset me; but i can handle anything you've got. i'm staying strong, i'm maturing. and no, this doesn't mean i am a push over, this doesn't mean i'm an idiot, or oblivious. more or less this means i am trying out new things in my life. do what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got; so i'm starting to eliminate bad habits, and push myself to learn from my mistakes. taking every moment as it comes, and always thinking ahead. perhaps i am holding onto something that is already broken beyond words, but perhaps my endless devotion to you has shown me a new light. perhaps i'm just letting myself get lost in the mess, and destruction. and perhaps there may never be an end to this nightmare, but i'll be here right the way through.

mr. nice guy.

i didn't expect this from you at all, i always thought of you as that 'good guy' the one who never does anything wrong. the mature, responsible pilot. i used to look up to you, but after recent events; i don't know what to think. i've been shocked by how you've behaved, and really disappointed to be quite honest. your acting like you've done nothing wrong, and trying to use me to cover up your fuck ups. it's asthough all of my beliefs about who i thought you were have been destroyed. i didn't know someone could be so ungrateful towards people who opened their home to them. a brick to the face would have hurt less than this.

goodnight.

i lay here stunned, the outline of your body is still imprinted on my sheets, and the smell of your skin still lingers beneath the covers. i lay here struggling to breathe, saturated by memories of you. i will close my eyes, and escape from my thoughts. i will let go of my guilt, my angst, my fears, my worries, and the endless problems racing across my mind. sleep sweet my dearest, i'll see you in my dreams.

There’s always choice.

my mother was right in telling me that everyone has choice, constantly; everyone has choice. in every situation; there is always a decision, and that decision may define you. it is up to you whether the decision, or the choice; is a good decision or a bad decision. you decide, you choose. it's up to you how you react to a situation, it's up to you, and only you to control yourself and the situation you are involved with. it's up to you to change a habit, or create one. it's up to whether you learn from the mistake, or repeat it. after all, in reality we only have ourselves to depend on, and no one else.

RTC

i love you.

More than you'll ever know. 

mum.

thanking you for realising i wasn't okay, thank for not judging me, and accepting me. thank you for comforting me, as best as you knew how. thank you for supporting me, and showing me that you are there for me. thank you for not pushing me into telling you what was wrong, i was just pleased knowing you realised. i missed you whilst you were away, genuinely missed you. although we don't often see eye to eye, and you have a habit of over reacting and taking certain situations too far, but this morning; you surprised me. i don't thank you enough for the things you do for me, so; i know you might no read this but, thank you mum.

here we go again.

what the fuck was i thinking? what the fuck is wrong with me? why the fuck would i want to makes things worse? why must i self sabotage the realtionships that mean the most to me? why must i destroy what i see as beautiful? why did i have to create a problem where there was none? it's times like these that i remember why people hate me. you were trying so hard, and now i've given a reason to give up. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck.

don't look at me.

my mind used to be filled with beautiful thoughts, lovely little day dreams, spring afternoons spent lying in the daisy fields, singing and laughing with you. in all honestly i didn't think you would ever leave my life, but i've grown to accept that nothing ever stays the way you desire it to. i've let go, and decieded to move on with my life. i would rather pull myself out of this wirlpool of depression i so easily fell into, it's time to stand up and smile. i'll admit it, we were amazing and i miss you, but you are just a memory, never the less; i will remember you and everything we shared.

i'm drowing myself.

if i'm being honest; i am never honest. not to myself, or to the people i surround myself with. i am dishonest about the way i feel, my opinion and my thoughts, and what i believe in. i'm tired of people and their constant desire for attention, and their mistaken sight of "love" i'm exhausted; mentally, physically and emotionally.

 i have nothing more to give.

You

I wonder if I’ll ever be honest with myself, with you. 

we could have had it all.

there's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out of the dark. the scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking we almost had it all. the scars of your love, they leave me breathless, i can't help feeling; we could have had it all, rolling in the deep. you had my heart inside of your hand, and you played it to the beat.

i miss you.

what would you say if i told you that all i've thought about; is you since you've been gone. i wish someway,

somehow i could turn this world right back around and those mistakes i've made. so then i could say to you, i know things aren't quite like what they used to be, different places, different faces. we could try, oh yeah we could try.

you're better than this.

it's hard to believe the best in someone when all you can expect is the worst. it's hard to see the light, when you're surrounded by darkness.
i remember who you truly are, but do you?

it's okay.

please don't worry, i'm not that stupid anymore.

i won't fall his tricks, i won't let my guards down, i won't loose myself.

i've come too far to let myself down.

i want to believe in you.

please don't misjudge my kindness for ignorance. you know me better than anyone else, so please respect me, for me. everything i believe, everything i say, and everything i am. please be honest. please make me proud. please don't let me down. this it is, do or die. you choose.

gone too soon.

maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm oblivious. maybe your right, maybe i should have read between the lines. maybe this is for the best, maybe this is for the worst. maybe i should have opened up to you more, or maybe my insecurities did save me a little sorrow this time.

maybe we were never meant to be, maybe we were,

now we'll never know.

who will be there?

in the end, when the rest of the world walks out;

who will still be there, standing by your side, holding your hand?

the space has taken over.

i thought we would have a million and one things to talk about, but i was wrong. what happened? i can't feel you anymore. 

relieving.

i've let go, it may have taken me a while but i can confidentally say that i've let go. this doesn't mean i don't care anymore, this doesn't mean i've forgotten, it means i've let go.

where'd all the good people go?

who are your true friends anyways?

silence.

truth is; i lied. yeah, it did hurt. yeah, it did cause my blood to boil within my veins. yeah, it did make me cringe. yeah, it did make me question and doubt. yeah, it did create distance. yeah, it did leave me shaken and restless. yeah, it did take a lot of effort to mask my grief, and anger. but no, i will not breate a single word. i will hide this, along with the rest and carry on pretending.

still bleeding love.

the truth is, it will always be you. you will always be the boy who stole my heart, and kicked up a horrendous fight when i tried to take it back, and the truth is; you may have given me back a few pieces, but not all of it. i look back on the years we spent together, it seems like through that chaos we call love, there was always clarity, there was always stability. i used to think about you so clearly, as though there was nothing that could be said, or done to change my mind about you. now, everything has changed, and there's no way to turn back time. i wish i saw you coming, i wish i could have had the time to prepare myself for you.

but, i miss your face.

i can see the space between us getting bigger, and bigger. i don't like it, infact; i miss you. i miss the way you annoy me, to the point i get so angry i want to hurt you. i miss the way you make me laugh with all of the insane nonsence you talk. i miss the way you never want to leave. i miss the way you don't make any sense to me. i miss the weird cute things you say. i miss the way you listen to me. i miss your over attentive nature. i miss your face, i miss you. i'd like to know if you miss me too.

i scare myself.

all i've been able to think about for the last hour is cutting myself.

and i don't even know why. i have no reason at all other than the fact i hurt all the time and it's the only way i know how to escape this pain. what the fuck is wrong with me!

i'm barely hanging on.

can you try not make me feel like i'm already dead?

i want to change.

it's been ten years, ten long, exhausting years. i knew long ago there was a problem with me, but it wasn't until years later that i learnt why i cried most days, why i constantly felt alone, why i thought that i never fit in; starting from primary school, and then through college. for the last five or six years of my life i have always found a justifiable reason to explain my depression. i used to think it was the problems in my life that caused me to feel the way i did, whether it was the years i spent living in fear of someone i called my father, the mental issues caused by my mums psychopath ex boyfriend who would beat us multiple nights a week. or it was the three years i spent with someone i loved unconditionally, who would lie to me, back stab me, cheat on me, and play with me as though i was a game. or it was the unstable relationship i have with my bipolar mother. and yes, all those played a rediculously huge part of my depression, but i thought that if i got rid of the problems causing me to crawl into a ball, and weep every night; the depression would go away. but i guess i was wrong. for years psychologists, and psychitrist have been telling i need medication. one lady said straight to my face that my depression was too much for me to deal with, and that i should have started taking pills years ago, that was a year ago now. i've always been afraid of anti-depressants; i've heard stories from people about them. some said they help, but others had nothing but bad things to say about them; that you become reliant on them, and that once your on them, you can't stop taking them. i've heard that they are addictive, and even that they make people worse. all of those things scared me, to the point i swore to myself that i would never take them. but, i guess i've hit rock bottom. i'm sick of being unhappy everyday, and not having any reason to. i can't keep going on like this, something has to change. so, i've started on the lowest dosage of the weakest anti-depressants. this is my last resort, i hope this helps.

you've got it easy.

this would be so much easier if it were possible for me to pretend like you never meant the world to me, just like you do everyday.

it's not you, it's me.

i know you wanted to see me, i know you wanted to make sure i was alright, i know you just wanted to be there for me. but there's something inside of me, something dark inside of me, screaming no. there's this wall i've built around myself, around my heart; that wall protects me, it assures me i wont be hurt again. as much as i want to let you be there for me, as much as i want to lean on you; i can't, i just can't. it's not you, it's me. that's the honest truth. you've been nothing but amazing, i'm just in a bad place right now. my head is in a constant argument with my heart, and there seems to be no solution. i know i need to find a way to let you in, to let you see me, for me. but i can't. i know that i should trust you, because i have absolutely no reason at all not to trust you. but i can't. there is so much about me that i know you'll never be able understand, but i also know i should at least give you the chance to try and understand, but i can't. i'm not ready to let you in, i'm not ready to show you my true colours, i'm not ready to be honest about myself yet. but i'm fucking terrified of what will happen if i do. i'm just not ready, i need time.
and for this; i am so sorry.

i'm a mess.

inside i struggle not to fall apart, and i'll pretend i'm holding on.
so, i guess i'll bleed in silence.

i've accepted the way things are now.

you've tested me a thousand times over, but yet you haven't been able to break this bond we have. it's a beautiful gift and a tormenting curse. i've tried over and over again to hate you, and i have more than enough reasons to, but i'm beginning to believe it's impossible.

freakn' the fuck out.

this is an unusual feeling, i've never truly worried about you. waking up in the middle of the night to my phone ringing was irritating, my first thought was 'why the fuck is someone ringing me' and then i realised it was you; i felt a wave of happiness wash over me, it was the happiest i'd been in weeks. but then it hit me, it was obvious by the way you said "hello". for the first time in the whole five years that i've known you, you weren't okay. you are the most positive, happiest person i know, and for the first time; you weren't okay. i was speechless. "i'm sorry i woke you, but i had a really bad night, i didn't know what to do, i needed to hear your voice." this time fear washed over me, worry was filling my body faster than i could breathe. i repetitively asked you what happened, but you wouldn't tell me. and the fact you didn't want to talk about what had happened made me worry ten times more. i didn't want to say goodbye, i was willing to stay up all night talking to you if it meant you would smile, just once. you assured me that you were okay, but i knew you were lying. i didn't want you to go, but you insisted i needed sleep. i reminded you that i love you, and that i was there for you, even though i was thousands of kilometres away. i made you promise you would call me the following night and tell me what happened. seconds after we hung up, my phone went off again. "i'm a bit fucked up sam. i miss you and really wish you were here right now. i need you. i love you so much xxx" i have never heard you use the words 'fucked up' to describe yourself. the thought of you being upset, brought me to tears and left me staring at my wall for the next hour, until i eventually feel back to sleep. your all i've thought about all morning, and i'm sure you'll be all i think about all day.
i'm so fucking worried.

ignorance was bliss.

i assumed that after this long, that it wouldn't haunt me anymore. i thought that the hatred would have passed, and i would have been able to forgive. but i was wrong, two years down the track it still hurts. although i don't think about the specific details everyday; the wounds have only scabbed over, and could easily be ripped off any moment, causing the old indjury to bleed again. sometimes; once an amount of damage is done, there is no way for it to fully heal back, there is no way to change back to who you were before your heart was broken.

why does it have to be like this?

i wish i could make it through the day without being angry, or disappointed with you.

no more.

i have come to the realisation that you aren't worth missing, you've proved yourself unworthy of my love enough times now and i am too tired to miss you any longer. there is no point in missing someone who doesn't miss you the same way back. looking back now, our relationship wasn't such a fairytale after all. you were rude to me, and shut me down, making me feel like i wasn't good enough for you regularly. you were emotionally cheating on me with someone i introduced into your life, and no matter how many times i tried to show you my point of view, you ignored me, you ignored my feelings, and you ignored the problems you were making for us. you controlled me, you made me feel guilty if i wanted to hang out with people who you didn't approve of. you made me, change who i was. at the time, i thought you were helping me become a better, me. but now i see things from a different perspective, i should have never have changed the way i was for you, if you actually loved me the way you said you did, you would have loved me for me. instead, you loved me for what i changed for you, for the sacrifices i made. but then again, you didn't love me, not the way i loved you. if you truly loved me, you wouldn't have done half of things you did whilst we were together, you wouldn't have spread rumours about me, and you wouldn't have broken all those promises we made to each other.

shnookums.

i haven't seen you very much recently, and i'm kinda missing you. i think you should come visit me sometime soon. lets get high, watch a funny movie and eat food until we pop.

four years later.

exactly four years ago today my mum would have been picking me up for my first day of school at otumoetai college, the day after i flew here from perth, australia. four years has passed quickly, looking back on those years; everything has changed. i've met a lot of people, and lost a few too. i can barely remember that girl anymore, or the way i used to feel back then. i'm sure it must have been a hell of a lot better than the way i feel four years later. but it's funny, when we first got here; i told my mother straight away i hated this place, and i still do. but i must say, through out my countless mistakes, i've learnt more than i could have ever imagined. i've experienced so much since i've been here, some things i wish i could replay a million times, and some things i wish never happened. but everything i've been through has made me who i am today, whatever that is.

good stalkin' skills.

well, i saw the photo's, i saw the posts, i see your happy, and she's happy. i'd been wanting to do this for a while, but never gathered up the courage. maybe this will be enough to kick things into gear,
cause i'm fucking sick of this shit.

this song.

you we're amazing, we did amazing things, and i wouldn't change it; because we were amazing.

i'm so scared.

it starts with a kiss, a soft innocent kiss.
and ends with disappointment and sorrow.

i don't know if i can go through it again.

walk away.

he hurts you, he messes you around, he cheats, he lies, he black mails you, he makes you feel guilty and worthless, he tries to control you and blame you for his mistakes. seeing you cry, seeing you upset because of someone like that makes me cringe. not only because watching my friend sob like that is hard on it's own, but watching my friend go through what i went through, hurts me inside. please, walk away. your better than this, you are beautiful.

fucking irritating.

yeah, it pisses me off when i walk into class; seeing you talking to my friends, smiling, joking around; and then as soon as i turn up, you disappear. yeah, it does piss me off when i see you smiling at them, and talking to them, when you wont even look at me. yeah, it does piss me off when all my friends leave me sitting by myself while they all talk to you. yeah, it does piss me off that i can't be your friend too, because that's all i want.

i can't keep up the fight, i'm too tired.

i woke up this morning positive towards the world, and the day ahead; i was laughing and making jokes, just like i usually would. i was fine, i had myself held together, right up until the moment i saw your face; my chest started to cave in, a tonne of bricks were pulling me down, and my mind was racing. one second; i was happy, and full of life, and then a second later; i was turning into a shell of myself, my chest was heavy, it was harder to walk, i was afraid to speek; i was afraid that if i opened my mouth; i would break into a million little pieces. i put my head down trying to distract my mind from you, to my school work, but it was pointless, my thoughts were set on repeat. i tried my hardest to hold it in; only letting a single tear drip without anyone noticing. i don't know how much longer i can pretend like i'm okay when i'm not, when i'm broken.

uncle ben.

we don't spend nearly as much time together as we used to, and i miss that. i worry about you on a regular basis;  every time we speak, your stressed, whether it's about money, your living arrangements, relationship problems, studying or working. and it's so damn hard to see you struggle so much, but it just goes to show just how strong you are, you can do anything when you set your mind to it. i've always preferred to talk to you over any other person, you have an amazing mind, and you have this unbelievable way of making me see light when i'm surrounded by darkness, giving me a new out look on life. you've helped me more times than i can count, and it's time that someone helps you for once. i think one of our chats is long over due, let's let it all out over a hot cuppa tea.

get out of my head and my heart, please.

i just want one day, just one day where my mind doesn't remind itself of you, just one day where i don't feel this pain in my chest for no longer having such an unforgettable amazing person in my life. i just want one day where i don't feel anything about you, is that too much to ask? i really didn't think my sorrow would last this long.

Best friend

lingering thoughts.

Maybe one day we will be together. 

Maybe. 

you.

it's in your eyes, and it's in your smile.

It’s the way you say my name. 

It’s the way you tell me you love me. 

i'm not doing this again.

the black abis is lightening into a flooded blue colour; it's 6.26 am, i haven't slept all night, and i'm now on my 7th double strength cup of coffee. i'd procrastinated the entire two weeks about this assignment, although it's one i knew i had to pass, and like i said i would, i left it until the last day. this shows my lazyness, and he determination, and self disipline i've recently developed. this year i am committed; i will pass, i wont let anything distract me or pull me down. i don't want to drive out this town with no qualifications, and no future. this is going to be one rough day at school, but at least i finished the assignment. fuck, i'm a geek, i'm writing about freakn' homework.