i let it happen again.

for a long time; i let myself be controlled by a man, i let him make my decision for me, decide what i would do on the weekends, i was his bitch. i thought i was just making life easier for us both by giving into what he wanted me to do. i didn't live my life for me because i was constantly worrying about him. i changed who i was for him and conformed into what he wanted. a few months ago, i broke free. i let go and i started living my life. i met someone new who i thought would like me for me. but now that i think about it, i'm doing the exact same thing as before. i don't go out with my friends and get high if i know i'm going to see him, because i know he hates it. i don't do want i want because of him. i'm letting him control me, even though i know he's trying to help me stay away from the drugs and alcohol. but i want to do them. i want to have the cone, i want to snort the line, i want to go out with my best friend, get fucked up and laugh until we pee ourselves. and most of all, i want to decide for me. not for him. but the thing that's getting to me the most is that even if i had made the decision i wanted to see the one you hate so intensely, i cant. because i promised you i wouldn't see him. i don't think it's too much to ask to catch up with him, see how he's doing. understand it or not, i want to see him. and i hate myself a little inside for wanting to see him, but honestly i do. why do i let myself get controlled?! why did i let this happen to me again! and better yet, how the fuck do i fix it!

you don't get it.

i made a promise that i do not want to keep. i made a promise to make someone else happy. i made the promise so that you would drop it. i made the promise because i thought it's what was best. but now that i've made the promise, i would have rather you went on about it for hours about it. i would have rather you yelled and sworn at me, but there is no going back. you don't understand it, i knew you never would. you expect me to be over it and willing to fall for you already? i don't think so. you expect me to never talk, see or mention him ever again. don't get me wrong, i know your scared. and i know it was him that i hurt you with. but it's not easy to let go of someone who was your life for so long. you asked me if i still loved him, i said no. you asked me if i was over him, i said yes. i lied. i feel bad, but apparently i did the right thing by you. i told you what you wanted to hear, even though it wasn't the truth.

i don't know what to do.

i wish i knew a way to make it stop, all of it. i wish i knew a way to make you happy. i wish i knew a way to show you that i'm there for you. constantly. even if i act like i'm not. i wish i could make all your dreams come true. but there's no good done living in a dream, in a wish, in a fairytale. i wish i knew what to do, to be enough for you. to surprise you and make your heart stop. like he does. i wish i knew how to comfort you, like he does. i wish i knew a way to show you how beautiful i think you are. but sometimes, i'm lost. without any sense of direction. i'm meant to know you better than anyone. but sometimes, i just don't know what to say or do to show you how much you mean to me. i just want to make you smile.

and now it starts to hurt.

it was your birthday on the weekend, 2 hours before it hit midnight you texted me saying that all you wanted on your birthday was to see me. i didn't text back. you texted me in the morning, saying it was rude of me to not wish you a 'happy birthday' you mentioned how we were together for years and that you wanted to hear from you. i didn't text back, possibly because i was with him. i thought about texting you all day, i tried to imagine what you would be doing and if you we're happy. which i came to the conclusion you would be. after thinking  about you almost all day i did it. i sent the text i had thought out over and over in my mind. and then you didn't text back. if i'm honest with myself it hurt me a little, you'd made a big deal about me not texting you and then you do it back to me. so i texted you again. but this time you texted back. "go away. your not wanted"... "i was fucked when i texted you" i didn't text you again after that. but yesterday you texted me again. "even on my birthday i couldn't help but ball my eyes out about you in front of everyone. i had a beer bud lines they even got me a fucking cake with 19 candles! and i still broke down just because i wanted to see you. the last few texts you got were from jonea i told her to take my phone, i don't know what she said because she deleted the texts. you know the 3 last words </3"  that text made me warm inside. it made me miss you more. it made me want to see you. i was so relieved to find out it was your bitch texting me instead of you. the last few days, you've been on my mind a lot more. i don't have to wonder if you think about me, because i know you do all the time. the songs are starting to get to me, just like they did before. humes. it's starting to hurt to see them when i walk down the street, just the other day i was walking to the dairy with kane and i saw one and i swear i almost shed a tear. we shared something so strong, something so irreplacable. i really do wish it didn't have to be like this, i wish we could talk like we used to, but we can't. i know i'm going to end up seeing you sometime soon, even if i say i'm not going to. because i just need you now.

stop it, please.

my wish came true. but now i don't know what to do; you keep telling me that you know you'll fall in love with me, that you've never felt like this before, that we'll be together for a very long time, that i'm the most amazing girl ever. to some girls; this would make them melt. but as for me. i'm freaking the fuck out. fall in love? are you fucking kidding me. i just got out of a 3 year relationship, with someone i still love. i'm trying to force myself out of love. & you; your trying to rush into it. i've told you that it'll take time & that maybe one day i will love you. but not anytime soon. i like you so much, & i don't want to be a bitch to you, but can you please back off? one of the worst mistakes a person can make in a relationship is trying to rush into love. that's one of the things that ruins them. & i don't want to ruin this one. i've put so much effort into getting you back, i want it to stay lovely. don't get me wrong, i think your fucking adorable, & you make me smile all the time. but i'm not ready to fall back in love.

in the back of my mind

if i am honest; yes, i do miss you. so fucking much. yes, i do love you. you know i always will. yes, it does hurt to find out what you do these days. yes, you'll always be apart of me. even if i hate you, even if my body is shaking from the anger i feel towards you & the life i was living; i still love you. but i don't show it, i don't show it to anyone. i keep it locked up inside of me, along with all the memories, the kisses, the smiles, the fights, the tears, the personal jokes, the pain, the love. i keep telling myself over & over "i am stronger than this, i am stronger than you will ever be." i force myself to forget you, i force the tears deep down inside, where no one can find them. no one except for us. even though there is no more 'us', there always will be. it will always be you and it will always be me. in the back of my mind, till the ends of time. just thinking about you i'm loosing my breathe, i'm gasping for air, my body begs for you. but i will not give in. never again.

still holding onto you.

i didn't know i was upsetting you so much, i didn't know that finding someone that makes me happy would put you through so much misery. i didn't realize i was adding to your pain.  i knew you were struggling, but i didn't realize it was this bad. i didn't realize how much it all gets to you; i guess i thought you'd be happy that i was smiling everyday. which i'm sure you are; but his best friend, your boy. i don't even know what to say about that.he's not right for you. you know it, i know it. but your still holding on. i can see how unhappy you are, especially when you don't tell me. (which really frustrates me btw) i wish you'd tell me, instead of having to search though my mind and figure it out, like it was a game or something. i'm sorry i haven't been there for you much recently. & i'm sorry i've been snapping at you. half the time i don't even realize why i'm doing it or that i'm doing it at all. i will make you smile, i will make you laugh, i will make you happy tonight. hold on please, i love you.

your mine.

you gave me my first letter today. it told me that you've never written a letter before, except to one of your teachers for being a cunt. i started reading the words on the page and; within seconds a grin was imprinted on my face and i was becoming red and i started heating up. i can't get enough of you, it just feels so right. a week ago tomorrow after months of torment you asked me to officially be yours, you've made me happier than he did in months at a time. your so gorgeous, on the inside and out. uggghh, 'you need to write back to your letter not write a blog samara!' but after that letter i was speechless, the things you do to me.

a keeper.

when i get lonely all i do is look at the stars and i reminded that someone cares. i remember months ago, a night when you opened my eyes. even though our words we're slurred, i know you ment what you said to me "your beautiful, you deserve the best and i wanted to give it to you, i've been hung up on you for so long" in that moment my heart skipped a beat. a tear full of happiness rolled down my cheek and you held me. but after that night; nothing more, some silly play fights, the occasional minute long hug or texts late at night, when you should be sleeping or the look you give me when no one else is around. sometimes; the little things mean the most. you've always been there for me, sometimes all you did was sit there and play music or let me ramble on about the currently problem in my life. you've been know to come find me when i'm stranded and broken. your one of my closest friends, i can speak openly and honestly to you. i trust you with my life.

free as a bird.

teenagers

i hate bitches, i hate cunts, i hate liars, i had back stabbers, i hate the people who were once amazing, but are now a shadow of the person i once loved, i hate pathetic sluts, i hate teenagers, but most of all. i really fucking hate you.

sometimes, wishes do come true

11.11 i wish for you.

listen to me.

we know your both young, we know you've never had a serious relationship, we know we're a little on the weird side, we know your trying but sometimes we get really mad at you. when you say your gonna come see us; do it, instead of out of nowhere having a boy's day. if we say to shut up; shut the fuck up. if we say something upsets us; listen. if we say we need you; come running. we would do the same for you, we listen to you when you need to bitch, but will your attention span allow you to hear our crys? we're strong, we're stronger than you think but sometimes we need someone to look after us, to listen to our drama, to come see us when our family is loosing the plot, we really wish you'd stop cancelling on us, soon please and thankyou.

so close, but so far.

i miss you everyday, it gets so hard being so far away from you. i just want to see your face, i want to be able to look into your eyes and see your smile. i adore your smile. i don't think there has ever been a day that i haven't wanted to see it in the last almost 6 years, your the most amazing guy ive ever met. i can't believe that our friendship has grew nothing but stronger since i moved to new zealand. but you kept your promise and came to stay with me :) it was soo awesome. just thinking about it now puts a giant grin on my face. your my best friend. i can't describe how much you mean to me darling. i love you robert thomas cudahy.

i can see it

sometimes, i just wish you would tell me what's upsetting you without having to read your blog, or try to figure out in my mind what it is. sometimes, i wish you would just come to me & tell me; let me help you, like you've helped me so many times. sometimes, i wish i could freeze time & take you away somewhere, far away where no body knows us, sit with our feet in the sand watching the pink & orange rays of the sun whilst it sets behind the crystal clear waters of the unknown. i wish i could take you away from the pain, from the angry, from the disappointment, from all the bullshit. & fill you up with love & joy (i know it sounds corny, but it's true) because i know some days you feel empty & like no one gives a shit. NEWS FLASH! i do baby. your amazing in every way possible. & i will love you more than any douche bag ever will.

ben fellows

Ben is awesome, he asked me to write a blog about him. he had a hernia in his balls, but he got it removed. he showed me the scar in library a few weeks ago. Ben apparently has a very large penis. one day he will grow a manly french mustache and beard. Ben is quite sexy. Ben and Raegan had a brief run in at the library in year nine; she saw his pee pee. Ben is not a sexual predator.

i adore your smile

i don't think you know how happy you make me. i didn't think it was possible feel this amazing after everything. i thought i would still hurt everyday. but I'm happy. happier than I've been in years! i didn't know this was possible. i owe you so much darling. yes, your simple, but to me your fucking amazing. everyday i gain more of your trust & i'm closer to calling you mine. cuddling up in bed staring into your eyes, i love every second. i wish you didn't have to go. i want to fall asleep in your arms, but i'll wait because your coming to stay on Friday :) i really like you. more than i thought i ever would. & i know you wont let me down, i know you will keep your promises. & we're fucking going to paramore!!! I'm so fucking excited. you don't know what this means to me. my favorite band (i was very upset about missing them last time they came) & my new boy. someone promised me that we would go together, but i let go of that promise a while ago. but now it's going to be even more amazing! I'm going with you. wonderful, gorgeous you. how can life get any better?

sometimes, you make me really sick

you came to my house when i was at school, went through my room; found my diary & when i got home i found it on my bed, you'd writen in it again. it makes me sick, you have no respect for people or they're belongings. you knew what my diary means to me & you know i hated you reading it. i had only just started writing in it again because for years i was too afraid to write my ssecret thoughts in it & hide it somewhere; i knew you would eventually find it. a day or two after i broke up with you, you did this. you found it underneath all of my clothes in my draws, read it & ripped out a page. a page i did not want you to see. a page about him, it says "i miss you" over & over. you wrote "no wonder why we didn't work fucking lol" yes it's a big fucking LOL. you ripped it out & gave it to me. this is one of the reasons i left you. no respect. none at all. not for me, not for your friends, not for your family, not for youself. i never wanted to say that i wish i didn't fall inlove with you. but i think now that i've realised what i was doing to my life, & what you were doing & did to my life; i wish i left you much sooner. i will never forget the way you made me feel but i will not let myself feel it ever again.