greys anatomy told me so

"You deserve to be with somebody who makes you happy. Somebody who doesn’t complicate your life. Somebody who won’t hurt you.”

from my best friend

you left your tumblr logged in at my house when you drove around specifically to give me a hug when i was upset. i wish i could find words to tell you how beautiful you truly are, but it isn’t possible. every word in the mother fucking dictionary is an understatement. so, i supose the only thing i can really say, is you are samara mayan wright. and that, in itself, is more than enough. i love you.

it's over

leave me alone. accept that it’s over, you had thousands of ‘last chances’ and you took advantage of them and my love. me hearts devotion to you, & my hope that one day we could regain what we once had, but instead of trying to fix what we had so easily broken we fell back into the loop. i woke up, i realized that i was wasted my life for someone who didn’t appreciate it nor me. you said you would change, but you never did. you lied. cheated. yelled. bad mouthed and broke me. you never expected me to leave, & in-fact neither did i. but from what i learnt from you & the last 3 years, i am stronger than what you thought, stronger than you will ever be. & i rejected that i deserved nothing less than the bullshit you so easily put me through, the sleepless nights, endless cry’s out for help & the sheer carelessness of you & who you are. you will never change, doesn’t matter if i continued to hope & pray everyday, it would never change. you were once amazing, beyond words but now you’ve become an empty pathetic shell. a shadow of who you once were. although we love each other it isn’t enough anymore, your not good enough for me. i will never let myself come back to you, even if i cry, even if i’m lonely, even if i feel like i need you, i will not let myself come back. i am stronger than you think & i am moving on with my life. & never turning back. so; stay away from me, & do not not try to get me back. my mind is made up & i am without a doubt a better person without you. even after a few weeks. goodbye my lover. i will not forget you. 

i'm glad we're friends now.

if you had texted me a year ago, i would have told you to fuck off and that i wanted you to die, because for a while i did want you to die, a painful death. i wanted you to hurt, alot. what you and him did to me will scar me for life, & i know you didn’t mean to cause the pain that you did, but a part of me has never recovered from it, & i will always hurt from it. the boy i loved so passionately was secretly going behind my back with you making you feel amazing, kissing you and telling you he’d leave me for you. when i found out i didn’t know what to do, i was extremely in-raged and couldn’t think straight. but i admit the whole time; i knew something was happening, i just didn’t have any proof & i don’t think i wanted to admit it to myself, because i loved him and wanted to believe his lies. whenever i needed him to be there for me, be that caring loving boy i knew he was; he was there with you, being amazing for you. when you cried, he’s be there to hug you. but when i cried i was alone, & shaking. on the verge of self harm but his love kept me hanging on. kept me alive. in the end i trashed your room, ripped up your photo’s, wrote ‘whore’ on your mirror with you lipstick, poured foundation over your pretty clothes and left. i was put through child youth & family (cyfs) had 20 hours community service, $200 reperation, & a few other rules to stick by too. & you got nothing. in my mind that was unfair and i wanted you to suffer, for all the pain you put me through, i hated you for getting away with nothing. i did everything i had to, & i actually did learn my lesson. i took matters into my own hands & got counseling for it. i discovered i have an anger problem & tried my best to deal with it. after months of loathing you & your existence; i decided to leave the past in the past & move on. it was one of the bravest things i have ever done, i don’t think anyone has realised how much it killed me inside. possibly because i never truely showed it. ben was one of my best friends & i had been told that he was starting to get feelings for you. at first i despised it & wondered how you could like someone so terrible. but because of my love for him, & how close we were; i made a decision for him & myself to forgive & forget. for a while i faked it, for ben. i didn’t want to be your friend, i wanted to rip your beautiful blonde hair out & cover you in bruises. & then i grew up, i said to myself in my head “why waste your life hating someone, when you could be smiling” that was a turning point for me & my life. after that i invited you to my house, got drunk with you, got to know you & realized that you are a good person. it has been over 8 months since i made that decision, & i am still so proud of myself. you were the one who told me the truth, you were the one who couldn’t bare the lies anymore & confessed to me. that showed me that you cared & brett was the coward, he could never be man enough to admit what he had done wrong, he would lie & lie & lie & keep on lying. & shame on me i believed him. but you! you were the good person, you showed compassion, you told me the truth. & although it hurt me to hear the truth that was all i had ever wanted, & asked for. we put everything behind us & created an awesome friendship, because we are in-fact VERY similar. we laugh, we talk for hours, we go out & have fun together, we visit Brett’s sisters on their birthdays, we bond, we relate to each other & we help each other, these days when i get upset & need someone to talk to i text you & you make me feel better, we’ve grown to become very close friends, & i admit what happened in the past still hurts & haunts me to this day, but i have hope. & after everything; i’m happy we’re friends. this proves to me that ‘everything happens for a reason’ jorji jansen; you are beautiful.