matthew jay hetherington.

at the start of the relationship, i wasn't really interested in you, i thought because of your age that you would be immature, wouldn't be able to handle her, and i thought you had a chance to hurt her eventually. after a few months; and hours of reassurance that you were a good guy, being convinced you were extremely mature for your age and that you would look after her. you took every chance you could get to prove yourself to her, and show her you loved her. i approved of you, i thought you were good for her, and for me to say i approve is a big thing. for me to say "yes, your good enough for my best friend" is a big fucking deal! and obviously you didn't realise that did you? but anyways, after what you've done to her, the way you've left her, you've proven all of my first thoughts on you right. your a lowlife piece of shit, you can go suck a dick, a fucking thick black cock. and to find out what you've been saying about me behind my back to her? that's just fucking rude maaaate. to say i'm not a good best friend, and that i'm bad for her life? are you fucking kidding me kid. wanna hear a joke? your life. hahahaha. you are a idiot. to disregard the best person to ever walk into your life? your a big fucking idiot. one day, when you grow up you'll realise what you've just done. i hope she never talks to you again, you don't deserve anything about her, she's amazing and you are scum. guts for you aye. i hope you read this :) fuck you and have a nice day. bitch.

i'm fine, i'm fine, i'm fine.

i knew this day was coming; it had to come eventually. but i forgot how much it hurt finding out that the person you love has found happiness in someone else, he's moved on with his life and forgotten about the life we once lived together. throwing away all the stupid things that made us laugh at each other, and special little memories we shared. erasing the summer days we spent lying in the sun, dipping in and out of the ocean, riding waves together, and dodging the flying jelly pieces we'd thrown, ending our perfect days together tangled up in bed. i remember the over-welming feeling i got every time you wrapped me in your arms, it felt like within moments you had completely covered me with unbreakable armor, and there wasn't any possible way i could have been hurt again. i was without a doubt completely safe with you, and i've never been able to say that about anyone before. i remember the first time you asked me to be yours; i ran, screamed and jumped around my house for at least half an hour before you could calm me down from the intense amounts of excitement that was pumping through my body. i remember staying up till the early hours in the morning on the phone to you, calling each other 'boyfriend' and 'girlfriend' because we were just that excited about being with each other, and even though we had school in the morning; we didn't care, we appreciated talking about nothing too much to care how much sleep we got. we would stay up giggling under neath our sheets, reminding each other just how much we adored the other. i remember the first time you told me you loved me, it was minutes after you broke up with me. leaving my house with tears starting to build within your crystal blue eyes; causing my body to shake, and the regret to drip from my eyes. i didn't believe for a second that you loved me, but i knew i was going to love you. your eyes meeting mine in a crowd was like magic; that was one of the things i adored most about you, when you looked at me; you weren't just looking at me, you were looking into me, as though you were looking into my heart and soul. you saw straight through my bullshit attempts to hide the way i truly felt, on the inside, which is usually the opposite of how i felt, on the outside. i remember the first time i told you i love you; we were being idiots, which was what we did best and i was talking to you in the hypothetical term. at first you didn't realise exactly what i'd said, but after a minute and a forming grin on your face, you clicked! i couldn't help but laugh at you for being so thick, but it was so cute, and you soon after replied "i love you too samara" it's been a month and a week or two since you last told me you love me, and there is no doubt in my mind that you, no longer love me. but it's okay, i'm fine. your now someone else's 'mr. mazing' and they are now 'your beautiful' not me. but it's okay, i'm fine. i still love you; but it's okay, i'm fine. p.s i'm lieing.

him.

everything just gets so much more complicated when i remember the emptiness i feel inside because i still love you.

i really fucked up this time.

i'm a bad person, the guilt is rotting my brain. i've done the worst thing, i've gone from one friend, to the best friend. it's disgusting, i would know; it's happend to me, and it crushed me. i didn't mean for this to come out, i wanted to ignore my feelings and act like nothing was there for at least a few months, so his wounds could heal before he had to take another stab in the back. i wanted to keep this from him, and i know that makes me a bad person. but, i had good intentions; i understand how he flips out, i know when he's going to go on another emotional trip, and this is the perfect thing to make him loose it. i didn't want that, neither of us did, it was the complete opposite of what we want. we thought we could keep hiding our feelings for each other, to save his feelings. but the word is out, and it has spread like a disease, and now there is nothing i can do, but fess up and take responsibility for my actions. i know i'm a bad person, and an idiot, i deserve everything i'm about to get.

alone with my thoughts.

i can't deal with what i'm thinking right now, i am barely breathing, and all i want is pain, instead of this.

unfortunately, i still want you.

it's been a month since you last told me you love me, sometimes i wonder if you truly meant it, the way i did. the worst part is, i still love you; and you don't care, not the slightest bit. i miss the stupid things we used to do together, just because we liked to play, just because we liked to be dorks together. i miss the little things, i miss the fact you noticed the little things, just like i do, and they were what meant the most to us. i miss being held in your arms, i swear i've never felt so safe in someone's before the nights i spent with you. i'm dreading seeing you tomorrow at school, my friend reminded me how beautiful you are today, and i haven't seen you in a few days, it's been good. but i know as soon as i see you, all the feelings i've been fighting will come back, pulsing through my body all over again, i'll feel the rush of you.

i don't even recognise you anymore.

you texted me the other night, for the first time in like two months. "heard your talking to brett heaps now?" "hahaha. is this something kane's told you?" "or facebook? and others. haha" "oh yeah, who's others? but why does it matter to you anyways? i mean i haven't talked to you in ages, and you text me out of the blue saying that?" "i was just wondering." - what is that? i cannot understand why that was necessary? i cannot understand why you would text me that, like you were checking up on me, because you hate brett so much, but obviously don't really care about me anymore either. i do miss you, even though you've changed. i used to call you one of my best friends, but now we don't even speak.

it aches.

i continuously fight with my feelings for you, forcing them down deeper, so deep but you’re always there. I can’t help but hope we will find each other again one day. i try to ignore how much my heart misses you but somethings are too strong to ignore. I seek happiness, and love from others, even though i know they wont fill this hole, your hole in my heart. i miss you, constantly. I love you, always. 

i just don't know anymore.

i used to think i liked you, for your personality, and because of the way you made me laugh. but after this last week; i just don't know anymore. after the way you've been behaving recently, i just don't know anymore. you are an awesome person, and i love spending time with you; but when your in one of your moods, you can be a very unpleasant person, and i really don't need anymore complications in my life right now.

sitting, waiting, wishing.

if you want to throw me away like i mean nothing to you,
 then that just shows your true colours.

what the fuck is going on.

i don't understand you, more so than ever before. i don't know what to think, and it's worse because you don't want to talk about it. all i want to know is where we stand, because things are just weird right now, and it doesn't look like there will be much of a future for us from my point of view. lately i've been enjoying your best friends company more than yours. the last few times i've hung out with you both, he's been the one making me smile, and laugh. while you sit there, and sulk? i just don't understand why you'd ask to hang out for the night, if your not intending on talking to me, and when you do, it's just not the same. i know things effect you badly at times, but you shouldn't let that get in between us, and at the moment; it's pulling us apart.

sometimes yes, sometimes no.

i'll admit it, i like you. but sometimes this just feels plain wrong to me, and i don't know if i can do this to him. i'll admit it, you do make me happy, and laugh but this could end really badly.

stop and stare.

i know i shouldn't stare at you, i know i'm just taunting myself, but i can't help it. it's been almost two weeks since you last looked into my eyes, and smiled at me. i miss you.