i'm blocked.

i can't write. i can't let it out. none of it, it's driving me wild. 

and i don't know what to do.

Will it ever end?

please come home.

you help more than i realise. 

i miss you. i need you. 

more than ever, i need you here.

with me, at home, where you should be.

it won’t change anything

i'm tired of pretending,

i need to tell you how I really feel.

but what difference will it make? 

even if i tell you, it won’t change anything. 

I’ll be here and you’ll be there. 

i love you. 

why won't i listen?

what the fuck am i doing.

i'm becoming something i swore i would never be. i'm beginning to walk down a road, a road towards destruction, fear, pain, anger, regret, loss, corruption, and torment, a rollercoaster of high's and low's. this road will take me away, from myself, and what i want. this road is leading me in the opposite direction to where i want to go, who i want to be. maybe i can change this, this horrible mess i've created, but then again; maybe i can't. maybe if i change, it would change this, but then again maybe it wouldn't. never the less, i need to change; i hate what i've done, i hate where i'm headed. i never thought i was capable of sickness myself so much. i'm afraid of the future, and where my life will take me. i pray that i will find the courage, and strength inside of me to turn around, and change this.

i'll never let go.

I’ll never let you go. 

isn't it simple?

how can you ever expect to love someone else,
if you can't love yourself?

beautiful disaster.

a week or two ago this picture looked completely different, it was painted with bright colours, and breathtaking moments. but now all of that light has been clouded over by darkness, the pleasant thoughts are fading and guilt is splattered across the canvas. i've accepted that i wont see your face as often anymore, and that your path has changed direction again. i've accepted that you are confused, you are angry, and that you don't know what you want. i've accepted the fact that you are going to let me down, and upset me; but i can handle anything you've got. i'm staying strong, i'm maturing. and no, this doesn't mean i am a push over, this doesn't mean i'm an idiot, or oblivious. more or less this means i am trying out new things in my life. do what you've always done, and you'll get what you've always got; so i'm starting to eliminate bad habits, and push myself to learn from my mistakes. taking every moment as it comes, and always thinking ahead. perhaps i am holding onto something that is already broken beyond words, but perhaps my endless devotion to you has shown me a new light. perhaps i'm just letting myself get lost in the mess, and destruction. and perhaps there may never be an end to this nightmare, but i'll be here right the way through.

mr. nice guy.

i didn't expect this from you at all, i always thought of you as that 'good guy' the one who never does anything wrong. the mature, responsible pilot. i used to look up to you, but after recent events; i don't know what to think. i've been shocked by how you've behaved, and really disappointed to be quite honest. your acting like you've done nothing wrong, and trying to use me to cover up your fuck ups. it's asthough all of my beliefs about who i thought you were have been destroyed. i didn't know someone could be so ungrateful towards people who opened their home to them. a brick to the face would have hurt less than this.

goodnight.

i lay here stunned, the outline of your body is still imprinted on my sheets, and the smell of your skin still lingers beneath the covers. i lay here struggling to breathe, saturated by memories of you. i will close my eyes, and escape from my thoughts. i will let go of my guilt, my angst, my fears, my worries, and the endless problems racing across my mind. sleep sweet my dearest, i'll see you in my dreams.