i scare myself.

all i've been able to think about for the last hour is cutting myself.

and i don't even know why. i have no reason at all other than the fact i hurt all the time and it's the only way i know how to escape this pain. what the fuck is wrong with me!

i'm barely hanging on.

can you try not make me feel like i'm already dead?

i want to change.

it's been ten years, ten long, exhausting years. i knew long ago there was a problem with me, but it wasn't until years later that i learnt why i cried most days, why i constantly felt alone, why i thought that i never fit in; starting from primary school, and then through college. for the last five or six years of my life i have always found a justifiable reason to explain my depression. i used to think it was the problems in my life that caused me to feel the way i did, whether it was the years i spent living in fear of someone i called my father, the mental issues caused by my mums psychopath ex boyfriend who would beat us multiple nights a week. or it was the three years i spent with someone i loved unconditionally, who would lie to me, back stab me, cheat on me, and play with me as though i was a game. or it was the unstable relationship i have with my bipolar mother. and yes, all those played a rediculously huge part of my depression, but i thought that if i got rid of the problems causing me to crawl into a ball, and weep every night; the depression would go away. but i guess i was wrong. for years psychologists, and psychitrist have been telling i need medication. one lady said straight to my face that my depression was too much for me to deal with, and that i should have started taking pills years ago, that was a year ago now. i've always been afraid of anti-depressants; i've heard stories from people about them. some said they help, but others had nothing but bad things to say about them; that you become reliant on them, and that once your on them, you can't stop taking them. i've heard that they are addictive, and even that they make people worse. all of those things scared me, to the point i swore to myself that i would never take them. but, i guess i've hit rock bottom. i'm sick of being unhappy everyday, and not having any reason to. i can't keep going on like this, something has to change. so, i've started on the lowest dosage of the weakest anti-depressants. this is my last resort, i hope this helps.

you've got it easy.

this would be so much easier if it were possible for me to pretend like you never meant the world to me, just like you do everyday.

it's not you, it's me.

i know you wanted to see me, i know you wanted to make sure i was alright, i know you just wanted to be there for me. but there's something inside of me, something dark inside of me, screaming no. there's this wall i've built around myself, around my heart; that wall protects me, it assures me i wont be hurt again. as much as i want to let you be there for me, as much as i want to lean on you; i can't, i just can't. it's not you, it's me. that's the honest truth. you've been nothing but amazing, i'm just in a bad place right now. my head is in a constant argument with my heart, and there seems to be no solution. i know i need to find a way to let you in, to let you see me, for me. but i can't. i know that i should trust you, because i have absolutely no reason at all not to trust you. but i can't. there is so much about me that i know you'll never be able understand, but i also know i should at least give you the chance to try and understand, but i can't. i'm not ready to let you in, i'm not ready to show you my true colours, i'm not ready to be honest about myself yet. but i'm fucking terrified of what will happen if i do. i'm just not ready, i need time.
and for this; i am so sorry.

i'm a mess.

inside i struggle not to fall apart, and i'll pretend i'm holding on.
so, i guess i'll bleed in silence.

i've accepted the way things are now.

you've tested me a thousand times over, but yet you haven't been able to break this bond we have. it's a beautiful gift and a tormenting curse. i've tried over and over again to hate you, and i have more than enough reasons to, but i'm beginning to believe it's impossible.

freakn' the fuck out.

this is an unusual feeling, i've never truly worried about you. waking up in the middle of the night to my phone ringing was irritating, my first thought was 'why the fuck is someone ringing me' and then i realised it was you; i felt a wave of happiness wash over me, it was the happiest i'd been in weeks. but then it hit me, it was obvious by the way you said "hello". for the first time in the whole five years that i've known you, you weren't okay. you are the most positive, happiest person i know, and for the first time; you weren't okay. i was speechless. "i'm sorry i woke you, but i had a really bad night, i didn't know what to do, i needed to hear your voice." this time fear washed over me, worry was filling my body faster than i could breathe. i repetitively asked you what happened, but you wouldn't tell me. and the fact you didn't want to talk about what had happened made me worry ten times more. i didn't want to say goodbye, i was willing to stay up all night talking to you if it meant you would smile, just once. you assured me that you were okay, but i knew you were lying. i didn't want you to go, but you insisted i needed sleep. i reminded you that i love you, and that i was there for you, even though i was thousands of kilometres away. i made you promise you would call me the following night and tell me what happened. seconds after we hung up, my phone went off again. "i'm a bit fucked up sam. i miss you and really wish you were here right now. i need you. i love you so much xxx" i have never heard you use the words 'fucked up' to describe yourself. the thought of you being upset, brought me to tears and left me staring at my wall for the next hour, until i eventually feel back to sleep. your all i've thought about all morning, and i'm sure you'll be all i think about all day.
i'm so fucking worried.

ignorance was bliss.

i assumed that after this long, that it wouldn't haunt me anymore. i thought that the hatred would have passed, and i would have been able to forgive. but i was wrong, two years down the track it still hurts. although i don't think about the specific details everyday; the wounds have only scabbed over, and could easily be ripped off any moment, causing the old indjury to bleed again. sometimes; once an amount of damage is done, there is no way for it to fully heal back, there is no way to change back to who you were before your heart was broken.

why does it have to be like this?

i wish i could make it through the day without being angry, or disappointed with you.

no more.

i have come to the realisation that you aren't worth missing, you've proved yourself unworthy of my love enough times now and i am too tired to miss you any longer. there is no point in missing someone who doesn't miss you the same way back. looking back now, our relationship wasn't such a fairytale after all. you were rude to me, and shut me down, making me feel like i wasn't good enough for you regularly. you were emotionally cheating on me with someone i introduced into your life, and no matter how many times i tried to show you my point of view, you ignored me, you ignored my feelings, and you ignored the problems you were making for us. you controlled me, you made me feel guilty if i wanted to hang out with people who you didn't approve of. you made me, change who i was. at the time, i thought you were helping me become a better, me. but now i see things from a different perspective, i should have never have changed the way i was for you, if you actually loved me the way you said you did, you would have loved me for me. instead, you loved me for what i changed for you, for the sacrifices i made. but then again, you didn't love me, not the way i loved you. if you truly loved me, you wouldn't have done half of things you did whilst we were together, you wouldn't have spread rumours about me, and you wouldn't have broken all those promises we made to each other.

shnookums.

i haven't seen you very much recently, and i'm kinda missing you. i think you should come visit me sometime soon. lets get high, watch a funny movie and eat food until we pop.

four years later.

exactly four years ago today my mum would have been picking me up for my first day of school at otumoetai college, the day after i flew here from perth, australia. four years has passed quickly, looking back on those years; everything has changed. i've met a lot of people, and lost a few too. i can barely remember that girl anymore, or the way i used to feel back then. i'm sure it must have been a hell of a lot better than the way i feel four years later. but it's funny, when we first got here; i told my mother straight away i hated this place, and i still do. but i must say, through out my countless mistakes, i've learnt more than i could have ever imagined. i've experienced so much since i've been here, some things i wish i could replay a million times, and some things i wish never happened. but everything i've been through has made me who i am today, whatever that is.

good stalkin' skills.

well, i saw the photo's, i saw the posts, i see your happy, and she's happy. i'd been wanting to do this for a while, but never gathered up the courage. maybe this will be enough to kick things into gear,
cause i'm fucking sick of this shit.

this song.

you we're amazing, we did amazing things, and i wouldn't change it; because we were amazing.

i'm so scared.

it starts with a kiss, a soft innocent kiss.
and ends with disappointment and sorrow.

i don't know if i can go through it again.

walk away.

he hurts you, he messes you around, he cheats, he lies, he black mails you, he makes you feel guilty and worthless, he tries to control you and blame you for his mistakes. seeing you cry, seeing you upset because of someone like that makes me cringe. not only because watching my friend sob like that is hard on it's own, but watching my friend go through what i went through, hurts me inside. please, walk away. your better than this, you are beautiful.

fucking irritating.

yeah, it pisses me off when i walk into class; seeing you talking to my friends, smiling, joking around; and then as soon as i turn up, you disappear. yeah, it does piss me off when i see you smiling at them, and talking to them, when you wont even look at me. yeah, it does piss me off when all my friends leave me sitting by myself while they all talk to you. yeah, it does piss me off that i can't be your friend too, because that's all i want.

i can't keep up the fight, i'm too tired.

i woke up this morning positive towards the world, and the day ahead; i was laughing and making jokes, just like i usually would. i was fine, i had myself held together, right up until the moment i saw your face; my chest started to cave in, a tonne of bricks were pulling me down, and my mind was racing. one second; i was happy, and full of life, and then a second later; i was turning into a shell of myself, my chest was heavy, it was harder to walk, i was afraid to speek; i was afraid that if i opened my mouth; i would break into a million little pieces. i put my head down trying to distract my mind from you, to my school work, but it was pointless, my thoughts were set on repeat. i tried my hardest to hold it in; only letting a single tear drip without anyone noticing. i don't know how much longer i can pretend like i'm okay when i'm not, when i'm broken.

uncle ben.

we don't spend nearly as much time together as we used to, and i miss that. i worry about you on a regular basis;  every time we speak, your stressed, whether it's about money, your living arrangements, relationship problems, studying or working. and it's so damn hard to see you struggle so much, but it just goes to show just how strong you are, you can do anything when you set your mind to it. i've always preferred to talk to you over any other person, you have an amazing mind, and you have this unbelievable way of making me see light when i'm surrounded by darkness, giving me a new out look on life. you've helped me more times than i can count, and it's time that someone helps you for once. i think one of our chats is long over due, let's let it all out over a hot cuppa tea.

get out of my head and my heart, please.

i just want one day, just one day where my mind doesn't remind itself of you, just one day where i don't feel this pain in my chest for no longer having such an unforgettable amazing person in my life. i just want one day where i don't feel anything about you, is that too much to ask? i really didn't think my sorrow would last this long.

Best friend

lingering thoughts.

Maybe one day we will be together. 

Maybe. 

you.

it's in your eyes, and it's in your smile.

It’s the way you say my name. 

It’s the way you tell me you love me. 

i'm not doing this again.

the black abis is lightening into a flooded blue colour; it's 6.26 am, i haven't slept all night, and i'm now on my 7th double strength cup of coffee. i'd procrastinated the entire two weeks about this assignment, although it's one i knew i had to pass, and like i said i would, i left it until the last day. this shows my lazyness, and he determination, and self disipline i've recently developed. this year i am committed; i will pass, i wont let anything distract me or pull me down. i don't want to drive out this town with no qualifications, and no future. this is going to be one rough day at school, but at least i finished the assignment. fuck, i'm a geek, i'm writing about freakn' homework.

yeah i'm fucked, i love you.

maybe for once, i should just accept the fact that you are a let down, instead of hoping that you wont let me down anymore. i should learn to expect absolutely nothing of you, except your sarcasm and your love for drugs and sex. i will hold you in my mind with no value at all, and that way you will never let me down. although, the way i hold you in my heart is completely different, and there is not anything i can do to change that. trust me; i've tried, and tried, and tried again.

build me up, to break me down.

i let it out, i let you in. into my heart, and into my mind. i told you how i've been feeling, how i've been reacting, i told you the reasons i am the way i am, i told you how i feel lost, and alone constantly. i told you how often i'm miserable, and how i feel like there will be no end to this constant pain i feel. i told you what i was angry about, and why i can't handle the way you speak to me, and you said you would try and help, you said you'd do everything you could to make this easier for me. and then within minutes; you snapped, to the other 'you' saying 'it's no wonder i'm never here, you're just always miserable." throwing everything that i had just expressed to you, right back into my face. what's your problem, mother?

where are you?

if you were here, you would know what to say, you would know what to do.

you swore you would never leave my side, but where are you now?

i'm loosing my grip.

i don't know how to stop what's happening to me, mainly because i don't know what's happening to me, within me. i'm constantly angry, at everything and everyone, including myself. i'm always on the verge of breaking down, and not standing back up. i don't feel like myself anymore, or feel like i know myself either. there hasn't been a moment within the last few weeks where i haven't felt sad, or lonely; even when i'm surrounded by people, and i'm laughing. sometimes i feel like everything is caving in on me, i imagine that there is a thick black cloud closing in around me, there is no where to run, there is no where to hide, and when it finally hits; what if i'm not stronge enough to fight it? what if i'm too weak to face it? what happens then? all i know is; this isn't me.

i still care.

i blame myself because i introduced you back into this life, not knowing what the future would hold for your life. but now i know, and i'm angry at myself every day for doing this to you. you might be able to shrug it off, but i can't, and that's what is scaring me the most, the fact that you seem like you no longer care what happens to your body, or your mind. but i still care. believe it or not, your going off the rails. and i hate it.