There’s always choice.

my mother was right in telling me that everyone has choice, constantly; everyone has choice. in every situation; there is always a decision, and that decision may define you. it is up to you whether the decision, or the choice; is a good decision or a bad decision. you decide, you choose. it's up to you how you react to a situation, it's up to you, and only you to control yourself and the situation you are involved with. it's up to you to change a habit, or create one. it's up to whether you learn from the mistake, or repeat it. after all, in reality we only have ourselves to depend on, and no one else.

RTC

i love you.

More than you'll ever know. 

mum.

thanking you for realising i wasn't okay, thank for not judging me, and accepting me. thank you for comforting me, as best as you knew how. thank you for supporting me, and showing me that you are there for me. thank you for not pushing me into telling you what was wrong, i was just pleased knowing you realised. i missed you whilst you were away, genuinely missed you. although we don't often see eye to eye, and you have a habit of over reacting and taking certain situations too far, but this morning; you surprised me. i don't thank you enough for the things you do for me, so; i know you might no read this but, thank you mum.

here we go again.

what the fuck was i thinking? what the fuck is wrong with me? why the fuck would i want to makes things worse? why must i self sabotage the realtionships that mean the most to me? why must i destroy what i see as beautiful? why did i have to create a problem where there was none? it's times like these that i remember why people hate me. you were trying so hard, and now i've given a reason to give up. what the fuck. what the fuck. what the fuck.

don't look at me.

my mind used to be filled with beautiful thoughts, lovely little day dreams, spring afternoons spent lying in the daisy fields, singing and laughing with you. in all honestly i didn't think you would ever leave my life, but i've grown to accept that nothing ever stays the way you desire it to. i've let go, and decieded to move on with my life. i would rather pull myself out of this wirlpool of depression i so easily fell into, it's time to stand up and smile. i'll admit it, we were amazing and i miss you, but you are just a memory, never the less; i will remember you and everything we shared.

i'm drowing myself.

if i'm being honest; i am never honest. not to myself, or to the people i surround myself with. i am dishonest about the way i feel, my opinion and my thoughts, and what i believe in. i'm tired of people and their constant desire for attention, and their mistaken sight of "love" i'm exhausted; mentally, physically and emotionally.

 i have nothing more to give.

You

I wonder if I’ll ever be honest with myself, with you. 

we could have had it all.

there's a fire starting in my heart, reaching a fever pitch and it's bringing me out of the dark. the scars of your love remind me of us, they keep me thinking we almost had it all. the scars of your love, they leave me breathless, i can't help feeling; we could have had it all, rolling in the deep. you had my heart inside of your hand, and you played it to the beat.

i miss you.

what would you say if i told you that all i've thought about; is you since you've been gone. i wish someway,

somehow i could turn this world right back around and those mistakes i've made. so then i could say to you, i know things aren't quite like what they used to be, different places, different faces. we could try, oh yeah we could try.

you're better than this.

it's hard to believe the best in someone when all you can expect is the worst. it's hard to see the light, when you're surrounded by darkness.
i remember who you truly are, but do you?

it's okay.

please don't worry, i'm not that stupid anymore.

i won't fall his tricks, i won't let my guards down, i won't loose myself.

i've come too far to let myself down.

i want to believe in you.

please don't misjudge my kindness for ignorance. you know me better than anyone else, so please respect me, for me. everything i believe, everything i say, and everything i am. please be honest. please make me proud. please don't let me down. this it is, do or die. you choose.

gone too soon.

maybe i'm wrong, maybe i'm oblivious. maybe your right, maybe i should have read between the lines. maybe this is for the best, maybe this is for the worst. maybe i should have opened up to you more, or maybe my insecurities did save me a little sorrow this time.

maybe we were never meant to be, maybe we were,

now we'll never know.

who will be there?

in the end, when the rest of the world walks out;

who will still be there, standing by your side, holding your hand?

the space has taken over.

i thought we would have a million and one things to talk about, but i was wrong. what happened? i can't feel you anymore. 

relieving.

i've let go, it may have taken me a while but i can confidentally say that i've let go. this doesn't mean i don't care anymore, this doesn't mean i've forgotten, it means i've let go.

where'd all the good people go?

who are your true friends anyways?

silence.

truth is; i lied. yeah, it did hurt. yeah, it did cause my blood to boil within my veins. yeah, it did make me cringe. yeah, it did make me question and doubt. yeah, it did create distance. yeah, it did leave me shaken and restless. yeah, it did take a lot of effort to mask my grief, and anger. but no, i will not breate a single word. i will hide this, along with the rest and carry on pretending.

still bleeding love.

the truth is, it will always be you. you will always be the boy who stole my heart, and kicked up a horrendous fight when i tried to take it back, and the truth is; you may have given me back a few pieces, but not all of it. i look back on the years we spent together, it seems like through that chaos we call love, there was always clarity, there was always stability. i used to think about you so clearly, as though there was nothing that could be said, or done to change my mind about you. now, everything has changed, and there's no way to turn back time. i wish i saw you coming, i wish i could have had the time to prepare myself for you.

but, i miss your face.

i can see the space between us getting bigger, and bigger. i don't like it, infact; i miss you. i miss the way you annoy me, to the point i get so angry i want to hurt you. i miss the way you make me laugh with all of the insane nonsence you talk. i miss the way you never want to leave. i miss the way you don't make any sense to me. i miss the weird cute things you say. i miss the way you listen to me. i miss your over attentive nature. i miss your face, i miss you. i'd like to know if you miss me too.