i broke it, again.

last time i punched a wall so hard i broke my knuckle, it was because of my ex, and i don't even remember why i did it, but it was probably because of something he'd done, and it resulted in him breaking my heart, and me breaking my knuckle. i had a cast on for about a month. but this time; it was during a heating argument between me and my mother, i can't remember what she was complaining about, but i know that it set me off, it pushed me to the point i lost control and my anger got the better of me. as my fist hit the wall i heard a crack, i knew what i had done, but i didn't care. at that point, it still didn't hurt. it wasn't until minutes later when i looked down at the blood dripping off my knuckles, that's when the rush of pain serged through my fingers and i noticed just how bad it was. in my cry out for help, i told you. you didn't show a sign of caring at all. i thought that maybe once you had seen my hand, your attitude may change. but i was wrong; all you've said is "you're an idiot!" i knew that you wouldn't be impress about what i'd done, but i thought that maybe you might care just a little bit that i got so angry, and so upset that i got to the point that i had to punch a wall, to stop myself from punching my mum. but you don't, you simply don't care.

pain, pain, go away.

i tell myself, and the rest of the world that i hate you, but the truth is i can't hate you, as much as i want to; it's psychically, psychologically and emotionally impossible for me to hate you. but i do hate myself. i hate myself for still thinking about you, for still caring about you, for still missing you, and for still loving you. i hate myself for pretending that it doesn't hurt, when it does; all the time. and recently it's been fucking unbearable.

please, stop pushing.

i'm trying so hard to hold onto you. i'm trying so hard to keep it together and control how i feel inside. i'm trying so hard to look past what we've done, and stay hopeful for the future. i'm trying so hard to treat you like nothing has changed. i'm trying so hard to ignore how fast your pushing me away. i'm trying so hard to keep it together, and appear as though this isn't killing me. when the truth is; i'm falling apart.

i'm just glad your still in one piece.

i am so relieved your getting better, you had me very worried for a while. as soon as you said something went wrong i almost threw up, all of the worst case scenarios were racing through my head; and i started to panic. i was coming up with plans in my mind as to how i was going to get to you, or how i was going to talk people into driving me to you. i've never trusted doctors, and this is the reason why; they think they're god, and when they slip up, the patient is the one suffering for their mistakes and incorrect analysis. which in this case; is you. i was told removing a hernia is a simple operation, turns out it wasn't a hernia at all, and you have a dislocated sternum. so they opened up your chest and removed my favorite mole on your body; just to tell you there isn't anything you can do? what the fuck, that really boils my kettle. i don't even want to think about the pain your in, i'm sure it's excruciating but your a big, tough boy and i know you'll be back on your feet in no time darling.

i don't know you anymore.

it hurts me to know who you've become, but it hurts more remembering who you use to be.

tell me that your going to save me.

mayday, mayday. someone save me. i am fragile, ohhh somebody rescue me, somebody tell me you will. concrete heartache, left me awake. sleepless sleeper ohh, somebody wake me up, somebody tell me you will. and tell me that your going to save me, that everything is gonna be okay. i'm screaming but nobody can hear me. can you save me from myself.. and no no no no how can this be. i've tried and tried and tried but i'm so lost out at sea. when did i become the things i used to hate, i'm stranded to this ship. left to fall with the crash of the waves. tell me that your going to save me, that everything is gonna be okay. i'm screaming but nobody can hear me.. can you save me from myself?

i need you, but you aren't here.

i just wish you would look up, and see how hurt i am. i wish you would notice how much pain i'm going through. i wish you would ask if i was okay, and care that i'm not. i wish you would show me a little sign of hope. i wish you would come to my house, hold me and kiss me. i wish you would tell me every thing's going to be okay. but you haven't, and i'm scared your not going to. i need you. right now, i need you so fucking much. but you wont come, your out having fun and enjoying yourself, whilst i'm here lonely, shaking, with tears dripping off my face. i need you.

do you remember how close we use to be?

i remember when we lived on the same street, two minutes walk away from each other. on school nights, we would sneak out and meet at the park in between our two houses, back in those days, we weren't allowed to smoke at home; so this was our way of seeing each other and being 'rebellious' together. we were inseparable. if i had a fight with my mum, or my boyfriend. you would run down to my house, hold me and not let go until the tears stopped. the times i couldn't force myself to walk, you'd carry me back to you house and look after me. i used to call you my best friend. but now, i don't know you anymore, i haven't seen you in months, and i wish you knew that i miss you everyday.

it's great to have you back.

i missed you, a lot. we went through a stage when we didn't talk as much, we didn't hang out, and i never told you how much it hurt. i ignored how i felt, and didn't take your actions personally. but the other day; you came and picked me up, just you and me. and we talked, and laughed and talked, for hours. i told you that i had missed you, and you admitted you had missed me too. i told you that i can't stand it when we don't talk; i told you that it wasn't me, it was you, you were being a dick to me and you agreed. which made me happy. but you apologised, which is what meant the most to me. recently i've been seeing you a lot more often, we've been talking everyday again. i know we aren't as close as we use to be, but i'm just glad to have you back in my life, i missed you, a lot.

fell apart right in front of my eyes.

a month, or so ago; i was unbelievably happy, i was ranting and raving about how great life was going for me, and how long i'd waited to feel like this, again. i was thanking everyone in my life for being there for me, and being so fucking amazing. i felt on top of the world, like i was invincible, like i was finally free from all the pain, the suffering, the tears, the uncontrollable fear and most of all; free from my thoughts. but now, it feels like that was a life time ago, it feels like it's all catching up with me, it feels like i'm stuck in quick sand; it makes no difference how hard i struggle to get out of it, i just keep sinking. i tried so hard to change my life, but have i really made much difference at all? i still feel broken, i still feel pain, everyday. and i can't fucking deal with it. some please, help me?

i never clicked.

i've now been diagnosed with PTSD; post traumatic stress disorder, in result of my childhood and everything i went through, the psychological and physical violence i witnessed and also received. when a person or a child undergo traumatic experiences, they develop 'coping mechanisms' depending on who the person is, it can be different things. for me; i bottle my emotions, i pretend that nothing is wrong, on the outside it looks like i'm a happy young girl, but on the inside is a completely different story. this started at a very young age, and it is a habit i haven't been able to let go of, and sometimes i'm afraid i never will. in result of my continuous bottling for the last ten years, i have not only developed severe depression, but also PTSD. at first i wasn't convinced, but i've been researching it on the internet, and i'm starting to accept that i could have this mental illness aswell. some symptoms include; frequently having upsetting thoughts or memories of the traumatic event's, or commonly known as - flash backs. i am guilty of this. having nightmares. this happens most nights i sleep alone. being physically responsive, such as experiencing a surge in your heart rate or sweating, to reminders of the traumatic event. i'd be lying if i said this didn't happen when i'm reminded of those few years of my childhood. making an effort to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations about the traumatic event. i can barely ever bring myself to talk or go into detail about what happened to me, and what i saw. having difficulty remembering important parts of the traumatic event. another coping mechanism i used, was blocking out memories, this causes me not to remember big spaces of time, and from what i do remember; i'd rather forget. a loss of interest in important, once positive, activities. ever since i was a child i've taken little interest in life, and the normalities of growing up. i have a huge problem with self motivation. feeling distant from others. i've always felt like an outsider, like i don't fit in. but even sometimes i find myself thinking, and often believing that no one cares, nor understands. experiencing difficulties having positive feelings, such as happiness or love. for years i've found it hard to stay positive about life, and where it may take me. i struggle to stay happy for long periods of time, but i've always loved with my whole heart, and found it unbearable to stop loving. having a difficult time falling or staying asleep. i lye awake most nights thinking, trying to make myself fall asleep, although it's much easier when i'm sleeping with someone i care about. but once i am asleep? i never want to wake up, i'd stay in bed all day if i could, if it meant not facing the world. feeling irritable or having outbursts of anger. i constantly feel tense, and that at any moment i could explode and kill everything around me, but aswell as everything else, i bottle that too. having difficulty concentrating. ever since i can remember i've had a problem with concentrating. i just thought i had a short attention span. feeling constantly "on guard" or like danger is lurking around every corner. all day, everyday. being "jumpy" or easily startled. anyone who properly knows me, will know this is true. because of this; i find it extremely difficult to deal with stressful, and emotional problems in life, i've always known that i had a huge problem dealing with stress, but i never knew it could be as bad as this. so it turns out, i am more fucked up than i thought.

can we just go back to how it was.

i fucking hate this. i don't want it to be like this, i don't want to fight with you, i don't want to miss you, i don't want to let go of you. i want you. i want to make it work, i want to try, i want to get through this and everything else the world has to throw at us. i want you. please tell me you still want me too. missing you hurts so bad.

pest.

what the fuck are you doing. i use to refer to you as my brother, i would call you and ask you for advice, i would tell you how i felt and why, i would also try and help you out with your problems, we even had our own handshake, but now? i can't stand you. you just keep making the wrong decisions, everyone is starting to realise it and turn on you. after everything you've done, i tried my hardest to look past it and get along with you, for him. i'd ignore your rude, childish comments, and reply with a simple "shut the fuck up" but now? i don't want to see you, talk to you, or be associated with you at all. even hearing your name being brought up in conversation annoys me. i've got to know you quite well and all i can say is; you are selfish, you are ignorant, you are careless, you are a back stabber and a all-round prick. now, your best mates mother is asking why you two are still so close, and even he is getting sick of your shit. although you make think so; life isn't just about fun and games, you need to grow the fuck up and take responsibility for yourself, and your actions. i know you don't care, but someday you will, and when that day comes; no one else will. i've always been against you receiving a smack in the face or two, but now? they can go hard for all i care, maybe it'll be the wake up call you need, maybe then you'll realise what your doing to your life and the people who give a fuck about you.

i don't like this.

i'm worried, i've always looked down on the couples that spend all day in bed; although it is extremely fun and satisfying. i don't want to be one of those couples. i've been in one of those relationships before, and it's one of the many reasons i ended it. you cannot base a relationship just on sexual pleasure, at the time it's great; but afterwards when it comes to either of us leaving how do you feel? because i know how i feel, and at the moment, it doesn't feel that great. recently; it seems like that's pretty much all we've been doing, and i don't like it. don't get me wrong, it's incredible but i don't think it's too much to ask that we go out and do something every once and a while. i miss physically going out with you, and doing things together.

mrs bitch.

you yell at me, telling me i need to take responsibility for the cat's; you were the one home when one of the kitten went missing, you were here not me; i went out for the night and came home to one of them being gone. but you still yell and swear at me. you are totally obnoxious and self deluded, you have no comprehension of what your words and actions do to me, and i know you don't care. you are meant to be the one person on this earth that will be there for me no matter what, care for me and how i feel, look after me and protect me. instead you often wreck my self esteem, and hope for finding something good in this world. you push me to the point i'm so angry i start to cry, you push me to the point i want to give up. you threaten me often, and repetitively make me feel worthless, and like i'm a complete fuck up. i actually thought our relationship was getting better, i thought we've been getting along well recently, i thought you were getting healthier, i thought that whatever kind of therapy your doing was positively affecting your mental stability. but you've proved that wrong. i've been saying to myself for years that i can't handle you, or the way you flip out at me; but i've persevered, i push passed it and i put myself back together. and it looks like i'll have to keep doing so, it kills me the way you treat me.

i don't have to put up with this.

i knew he didn't write it, but now i've been informed that you two actually sat in her room together writing it. he told me she didn't tell him to end it with me, but it really makes me think; what the fuck did she say to him. it sounded like he wrote it directly from her mouth. it's depressing to think that she says she is my friend, but she goes directly against my wishes and boundaries. yes her and her family are going completely out of their way to help me, relieving  me of a fuck load of stress and i couldn't be more grateful for everything they're doing, but it doesn't mean what she's been doing is okay, nor will i put up with it. i'd feel guilty to say something to her, but if it keeps going the way it is; i wont have much nice to say to her anymore.

happy birthday.

i put hours of thought into what i was going to get you for your birthday, i wanted you to love it. i thought about it for months, i asked your closest friends what they thought. and they assured me that you would love it. i had finally figured out the little details, and i was so excited about your birthday. then you flipped my entire world upside down. and now as much as i still want to get for you what i had planned; i can't. i can't bring myself to. as much as i want to; i know you don't deserve it. and if i did still get it all for you; you wouldn't learn. it makes me sad because i knew you would have loved a zippo, you would have loved a white shirt tie dyed by hand, with your name printed on the back, making it even more original. you would have loved lunch at Turkish to go. even though you've never tried it, i know you would have loved it. in 2 minutes it's your birthday, you will finally turn 17. i wish i could still go though with my plan, but now it's simple; i can't.

i will never show it.

you ruined me, but i still fucking care. you treated me like a dog, but i still fucking care. you are with someone in spite of me and my relationship. you come in and mess up my life even more, as though you didn't do enough damage. you twist the story and manipulate peoples minds. you drink, smoke, snort as much as you can. you use people, and make them think you care about them. but you don't, and you never will. you only care about yourself, and you don't give a flying fuck how your actions and words affect other people. you bitch and complain about your life even though everything is handed to you on a silver platter. you make me fucking sick to my stomach, and i want you to be put through pain. but i still fucking care. what the fuck is wrong with me? i want to hate you.

i hope you learn from this.

since when do you listen to everyone else, since when did you care so much about what other people think? they told you not to come back to me, but what did you do? you listened to your heart and you came back. but this time; they told you to leave me, and what did you do? you fucking listened. at the end of the day who has to live with the decisions you've made? you do. who has to feel the regret? you do. who has to wake up the next morning feeling something is missing? you do. who has to live with the mistake you've made? you do. but who has to pay the price? i do.

the day before our anniversary.

it's taken me days to work up the courage to attempt to put my feelings into words. i know i saw this coming, but i didn't expect it to ever hurt as much as it does. i've received love letters, but never a 'break up letter'. you left me shaking, with tears dripping of my face, unable to breathe or speak, and with a broken heart. as you were reading me out this letter you apparently wrote yourself, i started having a panic attack; you just looked at me, and kept reading. you told me; you couldn't handle me, or our relationship anymore. you told me; i haven't changed or sacrificed enough for you. you told me; when i'm away from you, you feel like you don't exist. even though i constantly text you, talk about you, think about you, write about you and sometimes i write things to you. what more did you want? for me to live in your fucking pocket or something? you told me; relationships are about communicating, and considering each other's feelings; but you did neither. i tried talking to you, i had to force words out of your mouth on many occasions. i told you how i felt, i was completely open about how i felt about you. i was completely open and explained why i was uncomfortable about you and her being as close as you are, but you didn't care. you were too worried about yourself to think about me, even though you are in the back of mind all the time. before i make my plans for the day, i think about you. but did you ever think about me when you were with her, bitching about me behind my back? did you ever think about how it affects me? no. you listened to everyone, apart from me. i'm meant to mean the world to you, but you broke me. you knew how fragile i was from the past few days, and you just had to make it worse. as you read me the words you had written, i knew it wasn't you. it didn't even fucking sound like you, to be honest; it sounded like a girl. i couldn't get my head around it, two days ago you were telling me you would do anything for me, you gave me hope for the future, and i thought we were going to be okay, i thought i could depend on you. then you come to my house and rip me apart. after you had finished, you just looked at me; you watched me cry, you watched me clench my fits against my chest, you watched me struggle to get air into my lungs, you watched me hold myself as i shook. and as soon as it started to hurt you, you left. what you did to me, what you said to me, how you left me; is fucking disgusting. i hope you know that, and i hope you know how much pain you've caused me. but i know you never will.