all i want for christmas is you.

i want to be able to kiss you, cuddle you, and call you mine again. i'll be spending christmas day with you this year; which is a good change from the last few years, and i'm hoping, wishing that by the twenty-fifth i'll be able to call you mine again. i miss being yours.

i miss the sound of your voice.

a year ago, you would have been here with me, making me smile with every little thing you do. i hope you come back soon, it's been so long since i've seen your face; 

i need you. i miss you.

i love you; more than you’ll ever know. 

your coming home tonight.

i guess i got use to having you around, because the last few weeks you've been away; i've missed you more than i thought i would. it's going to be good to have you home again, i want to have that girls night we've been talking about for months. looking forward to seeing you mum, only a few hours to go.

six sleeps to go.

the other day he asked me if i was excited for Christmas, and i said yes; but he knew from the tone in my voice and the look in my eyes, that i wasn't at all interested. two nights ago one of his friends asked where my tree is, and i replied that i didn't have one; he asked why, and i made up the excuse that the reason we don't one is because my mother has been over-sea for two weeks. but the truth is; i don't want one anyways, i never have. each year my mum's attempted to make Christmas something special, but i have never been interested. since i was kid, i have never liked Christmas. maybe it's because my mother's abusive ex boyfriend was born on Christmas day, and ever since i was five, Christmas has always reminded me of him. or maybe it's because when i was eight i watched my mother get beaten to a pulp with a crow bar by a middle age man on boxing day, and he wasn't just some middle aged man, he an ex-biker, he was a tank. maybe it's because one Christmas i spent at the beach entertaining myself while my mother slept, because she was too tired and hungover to look after me. maybe it's because i've only ever spent two Christmas's with my dad, or maybe it's because the day itself is never as pleasant as i imagine. but this year, he's invited me over to spend the afternoon and night with him and his family. his perfect family, and me, i am so fucking nervous. i know i'm going to have an amazing time, and love every minute, but i am so fucking nervous. this year; he's what i'm looking forward to, this day seams to mean a lot to him. unfortunately; i'm completely broke, so i have no money for Christmas shopping, which means no Christmas presents, and that means i have nothing to give him; which makes me want to cry.

we wouldn't be sisters if we didn't fight.

i feel completely terrible, because i don't know how to mend your heart, or heal your wounds. i don't know how to stop the pain, or the emptiness you feel inside. ever since the day i met you, all i have ever wanted was to help and make you smile. i don't know how to stop the people that walk in and out of your life, promising to make you smile, but leaving you even more broken than before. i don't know how to stop you hurting yourself, whether it's with razor blades, drugs or alcohol. i don't know how to get through to you how fucking terrified i am about you, because you don't listen. i don't know how to tell you that your making it worse when you think your making it better. i don't know how to tell you that when you hurt, i hurt. i don't know how to tell you that sometimes, you can be really fucking horrible and i can't stand it. i don't know how to tell you that i despise some of the things you say and do. i don't know how to tell you that when you guilt trip me, it makes me sick, because i know better than anyone how traumatic your life can be, and to try and use it against me? to make me feel bad? isn't right, at all. i don't know how to tell you that you can be the biggest fucking hypocrite sometimes. there are so many things i don't know how to do, or say to you. because i am afraid of what you will say, or what you might do; i'm afraid of loosing you. but there is one sentence that will never be any easier for me to say to you. i love you. despite our arguments, and our floors. i love you, unconditionally.

he deserves better than you.

i can't even describe the way i feel about you, my mind has gone blank. i am a fool for believing you were my friend, and sympathising for you. i've always known what kind of girl you are, the kind that runs around in front of boys in barely any clothing just to get their attention, you're the kind of girl to flirt with my man in front of me, pretend like you're my best friend, and then stab me in the back with my own knife, you're the kind of girl to seduce boys, because you think that will make them love you, you're the kind of girl who will fuck someone over, and make it out like your innocent. you're the kind of girl who looks perfect to the world; pretty, honest, trustworthy Christian girl, but i know you better than the world does. once a whore, nothing more, i'm sorry that'll never change. if only he could see you for who you truely are, because you never have, and never will deserve that amazing young man you have your hands on.

the game is getting old.

i don't know what to think; you change depending on who your with, and i cannot stand it. i know i'm guilty of this myself, but my feelings for you don't change, no matter who i'm with or what i'm doing, but as for you; well things can be a hell of a lot different when your with them. i'm running out of things to write, things to say, things to do. you have a choice, there are two options. one, walk away, and stop messing me around. and two, be with me, make some effort, and show me you still care. i'm getting tired of this backwards and forwards thing we have going on.

you're ruining my family.

yet again i've been hiding my true feelings behind my smile, pretending like what you've done to my family doesn't phase me, but if i'm being honest with myself; i wanted to shove your hugs, your smiles, your casual conversation, your star bucks, and your manipulative 'caring nature' right up your ass. i didn't say any of the words racing through my mind, to save drama, because all i wanted was to spend some quality time with my brother. i don't see him for months at a time, and all i wanted was to see him; so i zipped my mouth shut. i didn't realise how bad things had got down here, i was oblivious to the extent of coruption. but after this weekend, i wont be coming back for a while. if you could see yourself through my eyes, you wouldn't like what there is to be seen. i'm sure you have no idea what your doing to my family, you think your doing the right thing by my brother, but in reality; your ripping him, and his family apart.

spirits are real.

almost seven in the morning, about to hop into bed. i thought i would we spending another night alone, but after a simple conversation on face book, a few good friends came over. coincidentally one of the boys left his wallet here, so only a few came back. earlier we were talking about spirit's, i told everyone that i had a psychic circle; the boys were interested, so now that we were alone, thought we'd try it out. after reading the instructions, lighting a few candles and making ourselves comfortable, we sat down ready to talk to the dead. we placed our fingers onto the small glass dish and asked questions. at first a few of us were skeptical about the board, and the powers that come from the spirit realm. but it proved their beliefs wrong, suddenly the glass dish started moving around the board on it's own, at first we were all a bit freaked out, and tears came pouring out of all our eyes when the dish moved around to where ever it wanted to go. every time it started moving, i would get a rush of shivers down my spin, a warm sensation in my heart, and often goosebumps all over my body. we worked out what kind of question to ask, and to not ask. one friends dead father, and cousin came through and spoke to us, saying hello and trying to him a message. we asked his cousin whether or not she was in heaven, and she replied yes. she could easily answers questions, such as what is the middle maiden name of their grandmother.  i asked if my friend that passed away a few years ago was there, and a strong pull moved the dish to the spot reading 'yes' as we kept going, i started to cry but she couldn't tell me whether she was okay or not. the connection became stronger, and we began to feel when the spirit was communicating with us or not. this went on for about four hours, we all asked about our future, and where we were going in our lives, the answers began to be vague; so we would moved the dish back into the middle of the board, and vent to each other how we were feeling, and what questions we wanted to ask next. we discovers different ways we thought helped our communication; how we would word the questions, and repeating them in a pattern, and sometimes all together. it was obvious that me and a friend had the most powerful connections to the board, and it worked better when our fingers were on the dish. at one point when everyone else took their fingers off, it started to move on it's own, when only my fingers were placed lightly on the glass dish; that's when i freaked out a little bit. i asked if it was positive that i left brett, it strongly moved it's way over the 'yes' sign, so i asked my next question; will brett and i ever get back together, the spirit replied 'no' although it couldn't give me an answer as to why. but i'm sure i already know the answer to that, he'll never change. one of the boys asked who was the most 'psychic' in the circle, and they moved to the letter S, which didn't surprise any of us, and it was reassured when we asked if they meant me, and the dish moved towards the yes. one time, it specifically asked for one of the boys, who didn't even have his fingers on the dish at the time. it came to four am, and one of the boys mentioned that 'whitching hour' was over, i wasn't sure what that meant. but afterwards we asked how many spirits were with us. we were usually getting about six, seven or even eight. but this time, it was one. we then asked if it was a good spirit, the dish moved to the 'no' symbol, we then asked the question we asked frequently during the night "are you going to harm us?" and it moved to the 'yes' symbol. that's when we closed the circle, and ended the game. we were all a little scared after the last spirit, we stayed up talking about all the different so called messages that came through, we were all very confused on some of them, but others were completely clear.  i've always believed in ghosts, spirits, demons, angels, whatever name you have for them, in what ever shape or form; i've always known they are real. but after tonight; there is no doubt in my mind the power that they have.

make up your mind.

it's easy to blame it all on me, but you cannot say that you haven't played any part in our relationship falling apart. but you were one of the main characters. i know, i messed up a lot, and i could have done a lot better. but i wasn't the only one to slip up along the way, you've done some damage too. you need to realise that, you aren't the only one who has been let down, and some of the things you've done, it deserves some kind of making up for, not just me. i think you need to think about what you want, and decide if it's me or not.  i want to fix this, i want it to work. but it's hard to hang on by myself love, are you going to let me fall?

yes, i am addicted.

i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke. i need a smoke so badly, i wrote this out.

i'm begining to not care.

i admit it may have been a bit rude to get high just before you came around, but what reason have you given me to not to accept? they turned up with two dins about ten minutes before you came over. why shouldn't i have a sesh, your not trying at all for me; and that's not okay with me. i'm not upset that you left, you weren't talking to me anyways. you said you were coming over to bake cookies, and then couldn't give me a reason why we couldn't when you were here. i do miss you, alot. but i couldn't hold on by myself.

is my heart too broken.

am i not pretty enough? is my heart too broken? do i cry too much? am i too outspoken? don’t i make you laugh? should i try it harder? why do you see right through me? i live, i breathe, i let it rain on me, i sleep, i wake, i try hard not to break, i crave, i love, i’ve waited long enough, i try as hard as i can.

am i not pretty enough? is my heart too broken? do i cry too much? am i too outspoken? don’t i make you laugh? should i try it harder? why do you see right through me? i laugh, i feel, i make believe it’s real, i fall, i freeze, i pray down on my knees, i hope, i stand, i take it like a man, i try as hard as i can.

why do you see, why do you see, why do you see right through me?

thanks for coming to see me.

i've been praying for a sign, a sign that you still care, a sign that there is still hope for us. and today; you gave me that little piece of hope i've been asking for. and i'm going to hold onto it, along with the countless kisses. i can't wait to see you tomorrow.

six truths.

 (this picture has nothing to do with the text written below, i just despise justin)

1. you cannot stick your tongue out and look at the ceiling at the same time.
2. you may try this after reading.
3. realising it’s a lie.
4. you’re now wearing a silly smile.
5. you’ll like this.
6. hoping that your friends will try this too.

i need to stop thinking.

it's 1.35am and i know i should be sleeping, because i've got to get up early. but i can't sleep, i can't stop thinking. i keep wondering; maybe if i was a better person, then maybe i'd be good enough for him, maybe if i tried harder to the quit the drug, then maybe i'd be good enough for him, because i've obviously not made enough sacrifices or changed enough about myself for him. but then i think? why the fuck should i? why the fuck should i change so much for someone who hasn't shown any sign of caring about me, for days. why the fuck should i change even more for someone who wouldn't do one think i asked? and then i think; maybe he's worth it. isn't that why i changed in the first place? because i thought he was worth it. but now a few months down the track; are you still worth it? please, just show me you still care.

my thoughts echo your name

sometimes i think i should just give up, sometimes i think that i should stop wasting my time trying to fix this on my own. but then i remember all those nights we shared together; whether it was staying in, just us two, or out with our friends. i remember all of those times we spent playing around, smiling, and laughing. i thought those days would last forever. i remember the night you took me out to dinner, and how lucky i felt to have you. i remember those kisses that sent my mind into outer space, and the moments that we looked into each others eyes, and i knew that we were meant to be together, i knew that you cared about me, and i knew that you were going to change my life. but as i think back now, it hurts, because i'm scared i'm never going to feel like that again.

five years, going on six.

a year ago i was counting down the days until i saw you, until the day i would run into your arms at the airport and take you home with me. i still to this day, cannot believe you kept your promise to me; you flew to from the place i grew up in, to the little city i now call home. we spent two weeks together, and they were the some of the best days of my life. we did so much in those two weeks, i remember it so clearly. jumping off waterfalls, drinking way too much beer, exploring a city together and finding bubble tea; the drink we use to always get together, when i was still living in perth. playing drinking games with my mum, you were the first boy to walk up the mount with me, eating cobenhagen cones. but, i'm ashamed that your first night here i got drunk and threw up and within the first week we had been in a car crash, but you didn't care, you just smiled and laughed. i can still remember how i felt when i saw you for the first time in two years, i couldn't stop smiling, it was that very moment that i had been holding onto all year. it was you that helped me get through everything last year, and you didn't even know it. you are the only boy who has never broken a promise, lied to me,  hurt me, or let me down. you are the only boy who has always been there for me, even though you thousands of kilometers away, in a different country; you have always been there for me. i need to talk to you right now, i miss you more than ever. i love you robert thomas cudahy.

you have no idea how much you mean to me.

"i can't stop thinking of you now. are you the same." do you actually think i stop thinking about you? because i don't. i thought i'd told you enough that you are on my mind, constantly. you are still my first thought when i wake up in the morning, before i go to sleep at night and you drown my mind every hour in between. tonight, i sat alone listening to a song on repeat, i couldn't stop the tears dripping off my face, all i could think about was you. i miss you so much it hurts,  but you have no idea. i miss; your smile. your hair. your eyes. your arms. your lips. your hands. you skin. your voice. the way we would sleep together. the way you like to touch my feet. the way your obsessive compulsive about having clean teeth. the way you make me smile. the way you held me the night that i felt like this world couldn't do anymore damage. the way you can be so completely oblivious when i try to be completely obvious. i miss everything about you. but what i miss the most is, you missing me back.

i haven't given up yet.

what would you say if i told you that all i've thought about is you, since you been gone. i wish some way, some how i could turn this world right back around and mend mistakes i made. so i could say to you that i know things aren't quite like what they used to be. different faces, different places yeah. we could try, oh yeah we could try. what would you say if i told you that i'm not givin' up however long it takes, it's clear that things have changed since when we started. but we can't just walk away, babe. so i am telling you that i know, things aren't quite like what they used to be. different places, different faces yeah. we could try, oh yeah we could try.