him.

everything just gets so much more complicated when i remember the emptiness i feel inside because i still love you.

i really fucked up this time.

i'm a bad person, the guilt is rotting my brain. i've done the worst thing, i've gone from one friend, to the best friend. it's disgusting, i would know; it's happend to me, and it crushed me. i didn't mean for this to come out, i wanted to ignore my feelings and act like nothing was there for at least a few months, so his wounds could heal before he had to take another stab in the back. i wanted to keep this from him, and i know that makes me a bad person. but, i had good intentions; i understand how he flips out, i know when he's going to go on another emotional trip, and this is the perfect thing to make him loose it. i didn't want that, neither of us did, it was the complete opposite of what we want. we thought we could keep hiding our feelings for each other, to save his feelings. but the word is out, and it has spread like a disease, and now there is nothing i can do, but fess up and take responsibility for my actions. i know i'm a bad person, and an idiot, i deserve everything i'm about to get.

alone with my thoughts.

i can't deal with what i'm thinking right now, i am barely breathing, and all i want is pain, instead of this.

unfortunately, i still want you.

it's been a month since you last told me you love me, sometimes i wonder if you truly meant it, the way i did. the worst part is, i still love you; and you don't care, not the slightest bit. i miss the stupid things we used to do together, just because we liked to play, just because we liked to be dorks together. i miss the little things, i miss the fact you noticed the little things, just like i do, and they were what meant the most to us. i miss being held in your arms, i swear i've never felt so safe in someone's before the nights i spent with you. i'm dreading seeing you tomorrow at school, my friend reminded me how beautiful you are today, and i haven't seen you in a few days, it's been good. but i know as soon as i see you, all the feelings i've been fighting will come back, pulsing through my body all over again, i'll feel the rush of you.

i don't even recognise you anymore.

you texted me the other night, for the first time in like two months. "heard your talking to brett heaps now?" "hahaha. is this something kane's told you?" "or facebook? and others. haha" "oh yeah, who's others? but why does it matter to you anyways? i mean i haven't talked to you in ages, and you text me out of the blue saying that?" "i was just wondering." - what is that? i cannot understand why that was necessary? i cannot understand why you would text me that, like you were checking up on me, because you hate brett so much, but obviously don't really care about me anymore either. i do miss you, even though you've changed. i used to call you one of my best friends, but now we don't even speak.

it aches.

i continuously fight with my feelings for you, forcing them down deeper, so deep but you’re always there. I can’t help but hope we will find each other again one day. i try to ignore how much my heart misses you but somethings are too strong to ignore. I seek happiness, and love from others, even though i know they wont fill this hole, your hole in my heart. i miss you, constantly. I love you, always. 

i just don't know anymore.

i used to think i liked you, for your personality, and because of the way you made me laugh. but after this last week; i just don't know anymore. after the way you've been behaving recently, i just don't know anymore. you are an awesome person, and i love spending time with you; but when your in one of your moods, you can be a very unpleasant person, and i really don't need anymore complications in my life right now.

sitting, waiting, wishing.

if you want to throw me away like i mean nothing to you,
 then that just shows your true colours.

what the fuck is going on.

i don't understand you, more so than ever before. i don't know what to think, and it's worse because you don't want to talk about it. all i want to know is where we stand, because things are just weird right now, and it doesn't look like there will be much of a future for us from my point of view. lately i've been enjoying your best friends company more than yours. the last few times i've hung out with you both, he's been the one making me smile, and laugh. while you sit there, and sulk? i just don't understand why you'd ask to hang out for the night, if your not intending on talking to me, and when you do, it's just not the same. i know things effect you badly at times, but you shouldn't let that get in between us, and at the moment; it's pulling us apart.

sometimes yes, sometimes no.

i'll admit it, i like you. but sometimes this just feels plain wrong to me, and i don't know if i can do this to him. i'll admit it, you do make me happy, and laugh but this could end really badly.

stop and stare.

i know i shouldn't stare at you, i know i'm just taunting myself, but i can't help it. it's been almost two weeks since you last looked into my eyes, and smiled at me. i miss you.

i thought we would have lasted longer.

it sucks you know? when the only person you want to dry your eyes is the person who caused them to weep.

mindfuck.

you are almost as confusing as i am, you changed your mind to the point it's un-naturally frequent, and you have an interesting habit of over reacting. it's time's like those where i think my life would be easier without you in it. but sometimes you make me laugh like there is no tomorrow, and smile as though i haven't got a care in the world. sometimes i like you, but sometimes i just don't, and that's why i'm really confused.

your words cut me like a knife, and with the tears you caused, the blood will rip off my skin.

the words you used to describe me are bouncing around in my head like a ball, hitting every nerve. cheating, lieing, stealing slut. but your right, you could never handle me, we both knew that from the start. and throughout our relationship you always reminded me i was never going to be good enough for you.

i don't want to let go.

the worse part is, i know my heart, i know how strongly attached it is and i don't know how long it's going to hold onto you.

fuck.

sometimes i feel like i'm fading away slowly, i can't put my thoughts of feeling into words. it's frustrating the fuck out of me.

you are amazing.

here's the thing, it will always be you. from the day i met you, you have never left my heart, and you never will. you are the most amazing guy i have ever met, and i know one day we will find our ways to back to each other. you have never made me anything but happy, i miss you everyday. 

i wish you didn't see.

the whole time we were together in the back of my mind, there were two thoughts running through my head;  'fuck, i hope he doesn't see them' and 'i love you' i was trying so hard to hide them from you, but in the second i let go and forgot what i was trying to hide, you saw. i knew straight away from the look on your face, a look i dread to see, and now it's burning a hole in my brain. i know how you feel about self harm, and all i can say is FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK. what have i done! i'm so angry at myself, and it just makes me want to do it more. but your smile, your smile alone; is stopping me. i'm so sorry, i lost control of myself. i don't know what else i can say.

fuck.

staring at you isn't enough for me, not after everything we've been through together, it just isn't enough. all i want is to hear your voice, i don't give a flying fuck what you have to say, i just want to hear your voice. you could be waffling on about the latest work you've done on your car, or something funny that happened when you were working, and i'd be completely mesmerized by the tone in your voice. i used to love the way you would tell me a story, you looked so cute; you'd get so into it, using hand movements, and you'd constantly have a smile on your face. now, i wish i'd listened to every single word you had to say. but then again, you say it best when you say nothing at all. it was like you had glued my feet to the floor when you looked at me that way today, i didn't ever want to loose eye contact with you again, but i forced myself to keep walking and fuck it hurt.

shall we turn back time?

i don't know what to do, i don't know what to think, i don't know what to say. everything reminds me of you, and i can't face the fact you wont be around anymore. i woke up this morning, looked outside at the bright blue cloudless sky, my first thought was 'BEACH!' and then i thought of you, and all the times we went to the beach together. lying in the sun, playing around in the water, learning to surf the waves, walking around the mount hand in hand, you holding me in your arms as the waves crashed over us. getting up early to go see david hasselhoff, and being hit in the head from one of the ice blocks he through to the crowd. we have so many memories at the beach, and all i want is to go there with you one last time. but i know that wont happen.