i am not a mind reader.

how am i supposed to comfort you, if i don't know why your upset? how am i supposed to know what i've done wrong, if you don't tell me? how am i supposed to look from your point of view, if i don't know how you feel? i don't know what i've done, and you wont tell me. you had your chance to get everything off your chest, but you chose to keep it to yourself. and then after you leave, you tell me your not okay, you tell me i've done something to obviously upset you, but you wont tell me what that something is. now, you want to talk, now that i'm with someone else, you want to talk. you made it seem like everything was okay, but it isn't.

what the fuck is going on.

i barely slept last night, going over and over in my mind what i could have possibly done wrong now. i didn't come up with anything, all i could think is that you've had enough of my shit, your ready to kick me to the curb and move on with someone better. you freaked me out last night; saying you didn't want to ruin my night but we needed to talk, you couldn't bring yourself to talk about it when you were with me, the night before. what the fuck does that mean! i kept waking up in the middle of the night, checking my phone to see if you had texted me, but you didn't; so i tried to sleep, but i couldn't. i don't know why we need to talk so badly, and you wont give me the slightest hint, but my mind has come up with four possibilities. 1. it's something that my ex has said to you. 2. i've done something wrong, again. 3. you like someone else. 4. you're over my shit, and you're about to end us. i'm so worried, i'm almost vomiting.

i need to numb this pain.

i need a smoke, i need a cone, i need a drink, i need to smile, i need to forget, i need to get the fuck out of my head, i need my bestfriend.

will it ever end? it always hurts.

will you ever stop breaking my heart? i can't fucking believe you, you heartless prick. 15 fucking girls? is that all? i fucking doubt it. you named a few to my boyfriend, you knew he'd tell me, you made it seem like it just slipped out, but you fucking knew he'd come straight to me. and you know what fucking kills me the most? your fucking proud of it. i hate myself for what i let you do to me, what i let you get away with, for thinking you could change and for loving you unconditionally through everything. you fucking disgust me. you cheated on me, i knew that. a lot, i knew that. but this is beyond what i had imagined, you're a fucking whore. good at it as well, you use girls for their cars, money, drugs and alcohol, and in return you fuck them senseless. i'm surprised i didn't catch anything off you, i hope you get aids and die. i gave you my heart, i gave you every piece of fucking love i had, i gave up everything for you, i gave you myself, completely. i changed who i was for you; to the point i didn't know who i was without you. i would have fucking done anything for you, you knew that, name it and i would have done it for you. but i was never enough for you. after everything you already put me through, you couldn't help sneaking around behind my back fucking whoever was willing. you put me through fucking hell, destroyed every piece of happiness, hope, trust, love and purity i had.. i fucking hate your guts, you make me want to rip my skin open with a blunt blade and watch the blood drip out of my body until there is none left, you make me want to pop ever pill i can find, you make me want to jump off a fucking cliff. i hope your fucking satisfied, you single handedly destroyed me, i wish i never fucking met you. i hope someone finally gives you what you deserve, i hope they stomp on your pretty face and you choke on your own blood when your lying in the gutter.

oh, how things change so quickly.

i've been reading back through my blogs from a few days ago, i was happy, i was saying wonderful things about the people i hold close to me. and now, a few days left; it's getting harder to fight back the tears, i'm still shaking, i'm hating the thought of going to sleep and waking up still feeling like this, waking up and only getting up because i'm going to see them. i won't want to fall asleep, i'm afraid i'll have more nightmares. i'm afraid to have a good dream, wake up and remembering how i actually feel, that my life is falling apart, remember i want to give up sometimes, remember that i'm constantly in pain. the music soothes me, and i take drags on my cigarette, the only drug i can allow myself, my head starts to spin, and i let go. you are on my mind right now, the way you look when you sleep, the way you hold me, and your smile. i'm seeing you tomorrow, but i can see an argument coming, when all i need is for you to support me, we're going to argue. but, i think we'll get through this. i pray to go for help, i seek guidance, i ask for the courage to make it through, i beg for him to bless me, please lord; help me. my eyes hurt, and i miss my smile.

feels like a life time ago, but i can remember it like yesterday.

i had been dreading this for months, i knew it was coming, but i had been able to distract myself recently, i can still remember it so clearly, after a minute of knowing you, i was running around speedway looking for money so i could get you and your friend i had only just met in. i sprinted around and found the right amount of money, but by the time i had come back you'd been let in already, i kinda wanted to impress you. the second you saw me you 'claimed me' whispering to your friend "shotgun" and from that night on, i was yours. that night changed my life, it turned my world upside down, and i have never fully recovered from it. that night, there was an amazing spark between us flying in every direction, we started talking and we never stopped, you saved me from my stalker, and i caught you off guard by telling you, i thought you were cute. i broke down into tears the other morning after noticing what the date was, i still cannot get my head around it, it's been three fucking years. i honestly thought that i would be with you for the rest of my life, we had it all planned out, but we didn't even make it to three years, about three months off actually. i gave up, i walked away, i've been trying to move on and changed my life ever since. this was the first time i had been away from you that this day had come to pass. you called me, and left me a voicemail. you told me that today of all days i need to contact you, so i did. and you repetitively asked to see me, and i told you no; even though i wanted to say yes. after trying to function for a few hours, i gave in; i couldn't deal with it, i had to see you, i couldn't not see you, no one understands, but you do. it was good to talk to you for a while, but at times i wanted scream, punch things, and cry. that night i needed to get fucked up, it had been three fucking years, i needed to be okay, even though i wasn't, i needed to spend it with the person that means the most to me on this planet now, my best friend, she was there for me, the alcohol was there for me, the drugs were there for me. i put my happy face on, buried my feelings away deep inside of my, and i didn't let them escape, i ignored everything that would upset me, set me off, show my broken heart and cause me to fall apart. to my surprise, i ended up having a good night, i was completely fucked and i was rolling around giggling with my girl, and i had forgotten. then i remembered, you had been talking to my new boy tonight, on our three year anniversary of meeting, you we're with him, the one who is now making me happy, and you obviously fed him teaspoon after teaspoon of bullshit that your fucked up mind could come up with, twisting the story, making yourself look like the good guy, showing off the costume you wear in front of the world. how fucking dare you. i wonder if the one i care about knows; this is just one of your heartless plans to cause shit between me and him, he wants to split us apart, he wants me to hurt and crawl back to him, which i will never fucking do. i can't stand the person you've become, you are heartless, entirely untruth worthy, manipulative, cheeky, using, backstabbing, two faced mother fucker. you've put me through hell now, i can't believe what i let you get away with, and after everything, i was still there and i cared, but you've always treated me like dirt. you lie with every breathe you take. but it's now time, to leave the past in the past, and never mention it again, i don't need you stirring around with my life, i don't want to be near you, it makes it harder, memories are all that we have left now. i'm saying goodbye's to what we were, what we had, and what we didn't. i care about myself too much to let you in it anymore.

confession; this was fucking horrible.

i had been looking forward to sleeping in, especially after getting quite fucked the night before; but the first time i opened my eyes this morning, i saw a police officer walk past my window. i knew this was coming, i think to myself "ohhh fuck" mum comes in the door "police here for you" there had been a warrant for my arrest for a month, but i didn't know. i explained to the police offiicers;  i lost the paperwork for my diversion, and when i called around to find out what i had to do for it but i was told they wouldn't find my files. in the same week or two period of stealing the hair dye; i broke up with my boyfriend of three years, moved house, and had a car accident. they empathised a little but told me they probably wouldn't give me diversion again. in my head 'fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck." when we got to the police station we arrived through the back, where the cells are, there was a bench and behind it was a cell with a large window, and behind a scary big black guy, pacing. i sat there for alf an hour, whilst waiting to get taken to the court house. in the window infront of me i could see the pig bending over me, staring at me, whilsting at me, creepy wilsting; the kind off horror movies. i didn't look at him once, except for when we we're in the paddy wagon; there are two big, silver, vault like cells in the back. i sat in one and him and some other male criminal sat in the other, they kept looking at me when we we're driving their, and i could his eye once; cold, lifeless, dead, they stung my eyes to look into. thankfully, the drive is short. once at the court, i went into a cell, all by myself, which i was stocked about, i sat there for two and a half hours. everything kept racing through my mind, how one stupid day i was being a selfish pest, and got caught. how now, that decision had got me here, locked up. as much as i wanted to, i did not cry, i sat there, and i was silent. i thought about everything, and read the walls around me; they were covered in tags. i read a lot of them, and most of it is just gang related bullshit. some of them even made me chuckle for a minute "snitches are bitches that need stiches" and this button drawn on the wall "magic bail button" but the one thing that really freaked me the fuck out was; "SAMARA WILL PAY" was also carved into the wall, that's when it hit me, i went into shock, i started shaking and slightly rocking. but i did not cry. my mind "HOLY FUCKING SHIT" then i let it drift off and get the better of me, filling my with thoughts of self-hatred and loneliness, then i snapped out of it. i wont feel sorry for myself, this is my fucking fault. in my head i was screaming, but on the outside i was silent, but once i got out i was blank, i was completely silent, my mother said i looked completely petrified, i felt as though i couldn't speak anymore, but i pushed some words out of my mouth, and found out how much i owe, now; on top of a criminal conviction? i owe around $1500. fingers crossed i can turn a lot of that into hours, but now for the rest of my fucking life, i have a fucking record. my head "FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. what have i done. what the fuck have i fucking done." i'm still startled from the shock i was in, i cannot function properly, and i can't fucking sleep. all i can do is smoke ciggarettes, fuck it, i'm going to have one now.

you are fucking pushing it mate.

i told you to back off, i told you to stay out of the relationship. you said you could, "totally understand because of our past, and you wanted to fully gain my trust" then i found out your with him. i'm really uncomfortable about this, i've never done anything to you, except for trashing your room; but after what i know now, you fucking deserved it. in time, i forgave you for that. a few months later you confessed to me that their had been another "private thing" but this time you had gone further. in time, i forgave you for that. but if you lay one fucking finger on this one, i'll beat the fucking shit out of you. i will give up all together, break down, and not get back up, i can't do it again. i will never trust you completely, after what you did, i can't. not now, not ever. please don't give me another reason to hate you more inside.

you crossed a line.

for the first time i don't want to see you, i don't want to talk to you, i don't want to think about you. at this moment in time all it does is make me angry, frustrate me and give me the urge to go out and get fucked up, again. yesterday, has absolutely nothing to do with you, i asked you nice plenty of times to stop making this about you, but did you stop? no, you had to keep pushing, and you did something that shocked me, something i never expected you would do. you went and saw him, on the one day of the year that meant something to me and him, the day i met him, the day he started to change my life, three years later you were with him. after you told me, i took shot after shot, cone after cone, as much as i could get. you have no fucking idea what it's like to be going through what i am right now, and there is no way i could ever explain it to you, no one understands except for him, and i'm sorry if that hurts you, but it's true. he is my past. but that doesn't mean it doesn't still hurt, and on the anniversary of the day we met you were hanging out with him. that's not cool man, not cool at all. it makes me sick to my stomach to think you've gone so low to not only make this all about you, when it has nothing at all to do with you, but you've believed his twisted words, over mine. i know better than anyone what he's like, but did you listen? no, you listened to him instead. honestly, i'm really pissed off at you, you didn't give a shit about me, you didn't think about me for even a second, i told you i wasn't okay, but you didn't care did you? no, you we're too worried about yourself, and making the whole day about yourself, to show a little sign of caring about me. it was mine and his day, it had fucking nothing to do with you. and you say it affects you? fuck off it does, you have no fucking idea. you're making this worse for yourself, i've never been so disappointed in you before. the one day i needed you to support me; you turned a horrible day, fucking unbearable. let's hope you don't do this again.

i think i'm falling for you.

to me, everything you do is amazing. it's the way you do your hair, the clothes you wear, it's the way you kiss me, it's the way you laugh when you're extremely nervous, it's the way you brush my hair away out of my face, it's the way you hold me, it's the way you lightly stroke my skin with your fingertips, it's the way you look at me, it's the way you laugh with me, and sometimes at me. it's the way you reassure me how much you care about me, everyday. it's the way you smell. it's the way you want to do things with me, whether it's rolling down a hill, setting off fireworks, going to the movies, walking around the mount, or just holding until i fall asleep. it's the way you're getting to know who i am, and what makes me who i am. it's the way you know most of the things on my mind just by looking into my eyes. it's the way you say nothing; but i know there is a million things racing through you mind, and then there are the times you completely open up to me, and share the thoughts i so desperately want to hear. it's the way you make me smile and it's the way you tell me you love me.

things change.

i checked my voice messages today, which i never do. and i wish i never had. you had left me one, at 3 in the morning, probably high as fuck on whatever you could get your hands on. your voice was heavy and slurred, it was obvious to me you had been crying, and you said 'i love you' after hearing those words come out of my phone, i threw it across my room, i went outside and had a smoke. now; i'm really pissed off, and i don't know why, but i think it's interesting that even though it was only 3 little words, that held so much meaning now make me angry, they make me want to break things. once apon a time those 3 little words used to help me get to sleep at night, along with you, they used to mean the world to me, they used to help me breathe deeper and calm me down, they used to be the only words i ever wanted to hear escape your lips. and now; i can't stand them. despite the fact i know you mean it and i know i love you too, coming from you? those words irritate me. isn't it interesting how life can change so drastically. i never thought i'd see the day where i wanted nothing to do with you, but i know it's for the best. this way; i can be happy, without you. even if sometimes it hurts, you are not good enough for me, or my life. and i wish i'd done this sooner.

i miss you more than you'll ever know.

we don't talk as much anymore, i try to brush it off and pretend it doesn't matter, but it does, to me. i've tried to make casual conversation with you, but it is no use, you are a closed shell. we used to talk everyday, but now? it feels like i'm just annoying you. we used to share everything, stories, secrets, we'd talk and laugh for hours, and never get bored. but now? you cannot find the time for me, your too busy with her, the girl who has been messing around with you for months, and you always go back, even though you know you shouldn't. even someone who never talks to you has noticed how miserable you look, i tried again today to talk to you, but it was no use. i keep thinking to myself, did i do something? but i cannot think of anything i could have possibly done. you've simply shut yourself off, and for what? to be fucked over, again? honestly, it hurts me to see you like this, it hurts me that you wont talk to me, it hurts me that you have gone back, again. it hurts how much i miss you and it hurts that you don't seem to notice, or care.

you fit perfectly in my arms.

i'm tired, tired of school and all of the bullshit that comes with it. so this afternoon, i had a nap. what i thought would be a harmless nana nap, instead i woke up in tears, shaking and scared my life was about to end. and of course i realised, it was just a dream. minutes after waking you knew i wasn't okay, i don't know how but you knew, "what's wrong? where are you?" i was speechless, it's as though something in your heart had told you i was scared, and it just proved to me even more that you are my best friend, without saying a word, you knew. i couldn't imagine my life without you in it, many kids these days say these words but never know it's meaning, but i do, and i mean it with my whole heart. i wouldn't be the person i am today without you holding my hand through it all the last few years, i wouldn't have been able to change my life, without you. i wouldn't have been able to make it out of bed most days without your encouragement. and this morning? you we're upset, dwelling on the cunts who fucked you over, you could barely bring yourself to coming to school, but you did, and on the way; you picked me a rose. even when your fragile, you can still find it in your heart to show the people you love how much you truly do love them. you are without a doubt the most selfless person i have ever met. you are my everything, my heart, my hope, my sister, my best friend, my soul mate. and i will love you until the earth shrivels up and is turned into dust floating away into outer space.

you.

you are incredible. even if you don't think so, i do. you are the strongest person i know, and you deserve the best life has to offer. you have helped me so much in the last 3 years and i haven't given you enough credit for it. i love you gorgeous, beyond words. you are everything to me.

unknown number.

my phone started ringing during class, my first thought was; 'wtf mum, why are you calling me?!' but then i realised it wasn't her, it was a blocked number. i said hello over and over and over, but there was only silence coming from the caller. i know it was you; the one i don't want to talk to, the one i want nothing to do with, the one who i want to erase from my brain, the one who is to blame for how fucked up i am today. if it was you; the fact that you said nothing means that you we're upset, but i don't care. i don't want you in my life anymore, so please don't contact me.

it's not you, it's me.

i've tried my hardest to explain why i feel the way i feel, but i still don't think you get it. the reason why i'm scared that i'll loose you, the reason why i'm paranoid about you texting her, or going off for 'chats'. the reason why i read into things too much and the reason why i get jealous all the time. she's been doing it for years. you seem to think it's because i don't trust you, and you tell me that your not my ex's. i know that, and i know that you would never do anything like that to hurt me, i trust you. it's her and everyone else i don't trust; it's because it's happened to me over and over, after forgiving and constantly wanting to think the best of someone. and getting fucked over, again and again and again. it's because my faith in people was destroyed. i want to trust, but it's simple; i can't.

simply breath taking.

we sat at the top of a hill tonight, and watched the sun go down. you held me, kissed me, and called me perfect. it was beautiful. it wasn't much, but to me it was beautiful. it wasn't much, but it was enough to make me fall for you that little bit more. i've noticed you appreciate the little things in life; just like me, it's those little gestures of kindness that mean the most to you. you are more amazing than you know.

i should have been there.

you need me and i know it, and i feel completely horrible i haven't been there for you enough, in-fact i haven't been there at all recently. i've known about how hurt you are, but i was too busy sorting out my own shit to be there for you. and i'm so fucking angry at myself that i haven't been there for you, i wasn't there when you needed to get fucked up, you needed to drink and smoke to take away the pain. i should have been there for you, i should have been holding you, wiping away your tears and getting fucked up with you. i should have been there to make you laugh, to make you smile, and help you forget. it should have been me, your best friend. i'm sorry i haven't been there, i miss you.

worthless drug fucked whore.

for two years you were my best friend; i trusted you, completely and unconditionally. with all my secrets, all my dreams, every piece hope and all my pain, with everything i had. then you fucked me over, you did the unthinkable. you fell for him, the one i loved. you told me out of the blue, we were no longer friends then, you two we're together not even a week after we broke up and then you "realised" what you two we're doing to me. you said you realised how much fucking pain you had caused me, so you begged me to take you back. and i went fucking easy on you, i told you exactly how i felt, that i wanted to rip your long beautiful hair out and shove it down your throat until you fucking choked. i told you that i had never been betrayed so terribly before and how i never expected you to go that low. you cried to me and told me you loved me, you said you would do anything go back and un-do what you had done, that it was the biggest regret of your life, and i fucking believed you. i told you that i would in time forgive you and despite how hurt and angry i was, i still loved you. - i took you back. it was fine for a few months, it went back to how it used to be; you took me out to dinner, we went to the beach, mini putt, shopping, went out most nights and got high. you gained my trust again, the only thing i asked for was for you two not to speak, because i was scared of it happening again. and then when i decided i'd had enough, you went crawling back, you just couldn't fucking help yourself, the next fucking day he was at your house. immediately after finding this out, i knew it was happening again. but you both lied, and told me you'd never do that to me, again. but i'm not that fucking stupid. i could fucking feel it, i could feel it with every atom in my body. after that night, i erased you from my life, i wanted nothing to do with you anymore. and until now, it hasn't hurt that much. you fucked him, and his mother came in and smashed the bong we'd brought together (good bitch) i already knew, but it's been confirmed. and it probably happened fucking heaps. you make me fucking sick, not as much him, i expect it from him. but you, after last time i thought you learnt your fucking lesson. no, i was wrong, yet again. you're worthless, you're a coward, and you deserve nothing less than what you've got. if i saw you walking down the street, i would jump you, i would beat the living shit out of you, and i wouldn't stop until you we're face down in the gutter blood covering the ground, but it will never compare to the fucking terror you've put me through. 

it's the distance that kills me.

you always seem to pop up and say hello at just the right time. i could tell by the tone in your voice that your struggling, it's not what you said, it's how you said it. i don't know what it's like to go through what you are right now, and i cannot find the words to comfort you; and that disappoints me because you always know how to cheer me up, bring a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart, without even saying a word. the one thing i love most about us is; no matter how long it's been, how far away we are from each-other or what we've been through; we're still as close as we are now, as we were when i left. you shine brighter than any star in the sky. i love you, and i always will.