i thought we would have lasted longer.

it sucks you know? when the only person you want to dry your eyes is the person who caused them to weep.

mindfuck.

you are almost as confusing as i am, you changed your mind to the point it's un-naturally frequent, and you have an interesting habit of over reacting. it's time's like those where i think my life would be easier without you in it. but sometimes you make me laugh like there is no tomorrow, and smile as though i haven't got a care in the world. sometimes i like you, but sometimes i just don't, and that's why i'm really confused.

your words cut me like a knife, and with the tears you caused, the blood will rip off my skin.

the words you used to describe me are bouncing around in my head like a ball, hitting every nerve. cheating, lieing, stealing slut. but your right, you could never handle me, we both knew that from the start. and throughout our relationship you always reminded me i was never going to be good enough for you.

i don't want to let go.

the worse part is, i know my heart, i know how strongly attached it is and i don't know how long it's going to hold onto you.

fuck.

sometimes i feel like i'm fading away slowly, i can't put my thoughts of feeling into words. it's frustrating the fuck out of me.

you are amazing.

here's the thing, it will always be you. from the day i met you, you have never left my heart, and you never will. you are the most amazing guy i have ever met, and i know one day we will find our ways to back to each other. you have never made me anything but happy, i miss you everyday. 

i wish you didn't see.

the whole time we were together in the back of my mind, there were two thoughts running through my head;  'fuck, i hope he doesn't see them' and 'i love you' i was trying so hard to hide them from you, but in the second i let go and forgot what i was trying to hide, you saw. i knew straight away from the look on your face, a look i dread to see, and now it's burning a hole in my brain. i know how you feel about self harm, and all i can say is FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK. what have i done! i'm so angry at myself, and it just makes me want to do it more. but your smile, your smile alone; is stopping me. i'm so sorry, i lost control of myself. i don't know what else i can say.

fuck.

staring at you isn't enough for me, not after everything we've been through together, it just isn't enough. all i want is to hear your voice, i don't give a flying fuck what you have to say, i just want to hear your voice. you could be waffling on about the latest work you've done on your car, or something funny that happened when you were working, and i'd be completely mesmerized by the tone in your voice. i used to love the way you would tell me a story, you looked so cute; you'd get so into it, using hand movements, and you'd constantly have a smile on your face. now, i wish i'd listened to every single word you had to say. but then again, you say it best when you say nothing at all. it was like you had glued my feet to the floor when you looked at me that way today, i didn't ever want to loose eye contact with you again, but i forced myself to keep walking and fuck it hurt.

shall we turn back time?

i don't know what to do, i don't know what to think, i don't know what to say. everything reminds me of you, and i can't face the fact you wont be around anymore. i woke up this morning, looked outside at the bright blue cloudless sky, my first thought was 'BEACH!' and then i thought of you, and all the times we went to the beach together. lying in the sun, playing around in the water, learning to surf the waves, walking around the mount hand in hand, you holding me in your arms as the waves crashed over us. getting up early to go see david hasselhoff, and being hit in the head from one of the ice blocks he through to the crowd. we have so many memories at the beach, and all i want is to go there with you one last time. but i know that wont happen.

thank you for being you.

i don't give you enough credit for what you do for me, or for how much you help. sometimes i get too caught up in my own problems to see what your doing, or hear what your saying. and for this i am sorry, i don't mean to do it. i know i can always depend on you to stick by me, and look after me. thank you for everything beautiful.

dreams don't come true.

i've dreamt about you every night since i told you it was over. first few nights i was having dreams of you dying, usually in my arms. but the other night, and last night i had dreams about you, the kind of dreams that i never want to wake up from. it was like we went back in time a few months; we were happy, we were laughing, and smiling at each other. you were holding me in your arms, kissing me all over my face and then you stopped and whispered in my ear "i love you so much" i woke up with a smile on my face, and then my faced dropped and the tears started to pour as i remembered it was only a dream, and i'm never going to be able to hear those words come out of your mouth ever again.

my blood supply runs dry.

and you squeezed every last morsel of love out of me 

and left a bitter crusted shell 

the door slams shut, you're leaving me 

this time i can't help but feel relief 

and i'm squeezing my hands so tight 

that the blood supply runs dry

and i won't swallow my pride 

coz i haven't got a drop to digest 

my blood supply runs dry 

my love for you's run dry 

it's cut off all the love to my heart 

it's cutting off my love for you 

my fingertips are cold and white 

and i can hardly move an inch 

coz i've cut off all my blood supply 

i've cut off all my love supply

i like your company.

this friendship was very unexpected, although we've only hung out a few times, and haven't been talking very long; i really like spending time with you, you make me laugh which is an achievement lately. to my surprise you've actually been making me feel better about myself, as though i will still find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, after the storm has passed. even though sometimes it can get a bit awkward, and we run out of things to talk about; i can't wait till we next hang out.

uhh no.

a friend tried telling me i could have who ever i wanted so there wasn't any reason for me to be sad, but that sentence made entirely no sense to me. if i can have who ever i want; then why can't i have him? oh yeah, that's right.. i can't. and it's fucking tearing me apart.

when a heart breaks; no it don't break even.

what am i supposed to do when the best part of me was always you,

what am i supposed to say when i'm all choked up and you're ok,

i'm falling to pieces.

i'm falling to pieces.

i'm still alive but i'm barely breathing,

just praying to a god i don't believe in. 

i miss you already.

i think i know why this hurts so much; because you saw me, the real me. you looked deep inside of me, and you saw me. you saw the person i keep locked away, behind concrete walls, and under a million different masks. you saw me for who i truly am, and i trusted you with myself. i let you in, i let you break down those walls, take off the masks and see me. i was honest with you, about my pain, my worries, and my problems. although sometimes i would try and hide the intensity of my pain from you; but you saw straight through my fake smiles, and you knew i was in pain. i believed that i was safe with you, i believed that you were a good guy; who wouldn't fuck me over. i believed you when you said you would always be there for me, you would. i believed that you cared about me, and how i feel. i believed you when you said you loved me, and wanted to be with me. but tonight as we stood on the top of my drive way with rain drops falling on us, when you told me i haven't changed enough for you and you couldn't answer me when i asked you if you wanted to be with me or not; that was it for me. if you can't answer, after this long; obviously you don't want me anymore.

please, believe me.

i know it's my own fault when that sometimes you don't believe me, because i've lied to you in the past; but i promised you i would stop lying to you and that is exactly what i'm doing. i wish there was a way i could prove to you that i'm being completely honest with you. but, all i can do is hope that everyday a little bit of that trust i destroyed, is being rebuilt.

it's just the way it is.

i understand that you hate him, and don't want me around him. but there is something you need to understand; that woman i call my second mum, she took me in when i had a split lip, when my real mother had kicked me out of home. i was brought to her in the middle of the night, by the police; after my mother had lost control in a drunken state, and in fear for my safety; i called the police on her. she took me in on the spot, she put a roof over my head, fed me, and took care of me. i lived with her for a few months, she helped me get income, motivated me to go to school and whenever her son had one of his fits at me; she took care of me, she held me when i cried, she took me to the pub and brought me drinks, she trashed talked him with me, and she told me to leave him because i was too good for him, and he didn't deserve me. so in the end, i made her proud and i left him, for good. as for those two beautiful little girls; i've been in their lives for years, since they were first learning to read and write, we've been playing around, doing each others hair, make up, and nails for years. when i went to live with them, they started calling me their big sister, and that is exactly what i am, their sister. the hardest thing about moving out of his house was saying goodbye to them, it broke my heart to see them crying like that. i promised them that i still loved them, and they were still going to see me. so if you have a problem with me visiting my family, when he isn't there;
then that is your problem and you need to deal with it.

well, this fucking sucks.

yeah, i know; the lie itself isn't that big of deal; but the affects that it has had on the people that were involved in the lie, are bigger than you understand. yeah, you apologised for lying; and i'm grateful for that. but, you've done quite a bit of damage darling; and now i'm scared our friendship wont recover after this. i bet you don't even care about the fact that, that little lie has possibly ruined one of the best friendships i've had whilst living here. i bet you don't care that i miss him. i bet you don't care that he helped. i bet you don't care, not the slightest bit at all.

but it's okay, because i don't think he cares either.

i'm sorry you had to see me like this.

i can't imagine the terror, and pain i put you through that night. you said i passed out over twenty times. you said one second i was there, i was talking, and the next second my vision would start to fade, my eyes would roll back into my skull, and i was gone; out cold. i can remember feeling my head drop, and hearing you yell for help. i remember your best friend holding me up so i wouldn't hit my head on the wall the next time, i remember waking up and looking into his eyes, and knowing i was in safe hands. i can remember hearing you cry, and yell as i collapsed again. i can remember walking down your stairs too fast, tripping up and hitting my head. i remember sitting in the ground with you, and feeling your arms around me, and then the next minute i was somewhere else. i can remember telling your best friends that i haven't been eating properly, and that was why the alcohol hit me so hard. but honestly, i think that's only part of the reason i was such a tragic mess. i knew this was coming, i knew i was going to loose it sometime soon, but i'm ashamed it happened in front of you, and him. i think that i was kidding myself to think i could handle all the stress i've been put under recently. if i had to allocate a reason as to why i passed out so many times last night, i think i'd have to admit my emotional state, and coping mechanism's would have to be a part of it. as well as; sitting my head so many times recently, to the extent i think i could has mild concussion. and of course because alcohol was involved. i remember wiping a tear away from my eye, and sculling he rest of the alcohol i had; but i can't remember why i was so upset, and i was probably just over reacting anyways. i can remember asking you if i could have a cone, and saying that it would calm me down, which it did. i remember thinking to myself; wow, he really cares about me, he's letting me have the one thing he hates whilst sitting next to me, looking after me. i can remember throwing up, and you holding my hair back from my face. i can remember feeling my heart speed up, i can remember feeling my start to close, i can remember not being able to breathe properly. you asked me what was wrong, and i said i was about to have a panic attack; and i can remember how amazing i felt inside after it had passed, because you were able to calm me down. i cannot explain how thankful i am for you looking after me that night, i don't know what i would have done without you. i can't express how much i wish this didn't happen, because it's affected you worse than i thought it would; and i feel absolutely terrible because i know there isn't anything i can say, to make you feel any better. i wish i could erase the images from your brain, i wish i could go back, and stay sober. i'm so, so, so, so sorry.